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September 14th, 2015


03:18 pm

Same shit year after year
I live from fear, insecurity
I hate myself and I hate the world
I can't escape myself and I don't know how to change
Don't even know if i want to, I'm trying to protect myself from the world I can't actively want to let down my guard and let the world in. It's never resulted in anything positive
Inescapable fear, inescapable anger, inescapable self loathing, inescapable defense, annoyance, insecurity, feeling stupid, invalid, GUILT, vagueness, not knowing what I want, not feeling, not wanting, being overwhelmed, being a disappointment, being stuck being me, hating myself, my voice, words, actions, choices, vulnerability, hating my vulnerability


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August 23rd, 2015


08:44 am

Just realised 'feel' in English is a verb we don't conjugate adverbs with but we use adjectives instead, like I feel happy instead of I feel happily. It's like 'to feel' is assumed to be the same as 'to be'.


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August 8th, 2015


05:46 pm

It's supposed to be within your own power to change things for the better and make your life more fulfilling.
What if you've done that and there is solid tangible proof you're feeling better more often and you have made massive steps towards acting on what you want. But the same feeling is there. You're still shit, you're still stupid, you're still resentful, insecure, angry, you act on these feelings and as a result you're a total asshole to people who actually love you, you can't appreciate others greatness because it's just a threat to you, you can't accept others' help because it means you are incompetent and lazy and you don't deserve it and you don't want to owe them, and you deny a bunch of emotions to survive, and you still can't move at dusk because you're missing out on everything because you've never done anything and nothing's that interesting and your attempts are few and pathetic and you still risk all the things you fear the most just by being alive and you're still alone. And your house is still infested, you still have no money and no ambitions or if you do they're buried deep so you don't risk failing further, you are a slack friend and family member, you need to be alone but it's sending you into a terrible space, people's presence is invasive, you don't want to leave the house but it's awful and depressing, nothing seems appealing and this day started out with a coffee, sun, listening to new music and eating well. And it still comes back to this.


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April 26th, 2015


01:19 pm

Everything hurts today.

At some point over the last while I swapped thinking 'I am shit and everyone else is better than me' for 'I am experiencing self-loathing'. I may have stepped back and become the observer but that doesn't alter the fact that I'm still having the experience. Still fucked. Still can't find a way out.

Tiny minute unimportant details of people's doings or sayings stick with me and prove to me I'm not as good or smart or in the know or accomplished or driven or capable as the other person. Which these days tends to be my gf. Little things she does or says. Things she knows that I don't. Are insults to me.

Why does this happen to me in relationships? Why am I less bothered by other people being better than me but partners are just this huge head fuck to me?

The only thing that works is distraction and that only works for so long before I come back to this feeling. I feel cold, sad, empty, alone, and that I'm too fucked up. I'm sick of the endless cycle of shit.

I've made an appointment with a psych for next month. But that's so far away and of course I'll feel great on that day and not be able to convey the worst of anything.

I feel blocked. There is so much fear standing in my way. So so so much. I live my life in fear. I am constantly angered and insulted by other people's agreement on things that I disagree with, or their knowledge that I don't have, or their vast experience which is proof of how much smarter or how much more driven they are. I am an ignorant lump of nothing. I don't know how to do anything. But I'm not willing to admit that and allow myself to grow because that would be even more insulting and angering. And I can't find the line between the things I need to break down and get over because I'll never grow if I don't, and the things that are acceptable to hold onto because they're protecting me and why the fuck should I have to make life even harder for myself?

The things that fuck with me aren't going away. So I have had to learn to look away and deny them. Why are some things okay to look away and deny but other things aren't? Why can't I construct my own reality? If I lived what I believe I'd be a vegan anarchist in a squat. But I don't want that so I look away and deny certain realities for my own comfort's sake. But I try to do that with things that fuck with me but they just come up anyway. I have no coping mechanisms and I'm too angered by the fact that I even have to deal with this shit.

I'm bothered by the idea of her telling me it's okay to feel this way, because then that would render all my fear and pain useless and a waste of time and life. I'm bothered when other people admit their ignorance because I go to such lengths to deny my own.

Also work sucks and it's cold and sad.


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December 29th, 2014


02:58 pm
Insecurity rules and is ruining my life.
I'm a brat who doesn't want to share because I'm scared everyone else is better than me and I need my own things away from others. Why the fuck can't I break that down?

I don't let myself see my gf properly because I am scared if I do I will know how truly pathetic I really am. I can't appreciate and love her because I'm so disgusted with myself and in order to get by I need to temporarily kid myself into thinking I'm not so bad. And seeing her reminds me I am shit. For a while being with her was part of the process of believing I'm not so bad. I can have a gf! I can be a normal person! I can be happy! But with time my ability to keep the pain of being me at bay has been whittled away. Maybe at the same time that I started to let myself open up more. Which I did because I was so closed I couldn't feel. Now I feel all the bad things and still can't be what she deserves because my stupid shit hangs in front of her and I can't get past it to see her and love her.

I can't believe my shit is still costing me things

I can't believe it's costing me her.

If someone was to tell me I'm not so bad I'd feel placated and pandered to
If someone was to demonstrate to me that everyone else is just as shit and no one is better than me, I'd be angry at them for knowing this before I did

I need to discover it for myself like everything

How pathetic

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December 8th, 2014


11:11 pm

I don't feel empowered enough to change my situation
I don't feel smart enough to change my situation
I don't feel motivated or energetic enough to change it

 

I see people hitting me over the head, pushing me, punching me and i crave these things, wishing someone could do it for me

 

I'm shaking my head, grinding my teeth and swearing to try and block the thoughts, in public. at work.

 

everywhere I look there's a reminder I'm not good enough
not where I want to be
not where others are

 

others are a reminder that I'm shit.
especially my brilliant girlfriend.
I feel I'm doing her a disservice by being around her.
She's been very patient with me in the past 2 weeks.


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July 16th, 2014


05:34 pm

In such a strange place! I've suddenly been thrown into emotional sensitivity, after like 6 months of relative stability.
I can feel songs, I get chills from them. Today I've felt intense anger followed by intense sadness again with no explanation. It's not that unpleasant, it's just really strange. I'm not sure what's going on. Being in love and involved was always bound to transform me and shake all my leaves violently off my tree - to very roughly and badly paraphrase Khalil Gibran.
Anyway all I know is I entered a different phase today, in some way, some thing shifted. Also yesterday I felt sick, angry, had acne and lower back pain. So reminiscent of menstrual maladies, but that was last week. So weird.
Dunno dude


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May 2nd, 2014


09:32 pm

feeling the depressing pinch of wanting to do a bunch of stuff but not knowing what order to do them in and like I'll never do everything I'd like to

 

need to learn the art of decision making / need to have some sort of clear desire

 

don't care enough

 

everything's in my heart
so my heart's not in anything


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January 12th, 2014


04:37 pm

When will I listen to my soul and just go away to be alone


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January 11th, 2014


02:02 pm

When I get back I'm buying a goddamn food processor and doing the vegan thing.

Just. Want. Plants.


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January 10th, 2014


08:11 pm

Die salmonella die!!! I am sending antibiotics in to KILL you so get ready to be exterminated you nasty little literal shit stirrers.

I've not been so inspired to cook for years. The lack of choice I have over what I eat when and whether or not it's safe for consumption has got me dreaming up all sorts of delights to make when I'm back home.


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January 3rd, 2014


12:26 pm

I'm going to try to articulate a particular aspect of my mind which I feel rather alone in experiencing.
It's an unanticipated, sudden shot of sadness from some cross of wires (?) in my brain while looking at/perceiving something. The most recent example is this pot plant. Being pleased by its colour co ordination was immediately followed by a feeling of despair that beyond my noticing it's really quite pointless.

I can remember the first time I ever experienced it as a child, I must have been about seven. I can go through phases of it being less obvious but it's always happening. I generally move on quickly in my brain and try not to linger on the thought. It's weird because intellectually, I know everything is pointless, I don't know why an object's irrelevance should send sadness coursing along my tired synapses. I must still be holding out hope that there's meaning to life outside of what I personally decide to imbue with purpose. Or, since I'm so affected by other people, maybe I'm thrown by their apparent knowledge of their own purpose/life's purpose and so I'm particularly bothered by my own absence of it/these little reminders.

I know it's all perspective and maybe if I could balance the body chemicals in the right way, I could hold onto purpose or laugh in the face of pointlessness and rejoice that it's for me to choose one or two or a thousand and I could be one of them positive types. But right now it's just cold sad reminders and I'm raw and vulnerable to them.


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January 2nd, 2014


11:16 pm

Things that are frequently better than just the idea of them:
- food
- friends/family
- music/books/films/shows

Things that are never as good as the idea of them:
- everything else


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10:55 pm

Consumed by the knowledge that my experience is illegitimate. Everyone else is better at seeking out the best parts of life and living them well and I just skim the surface. Because I can't be bothered/don't know how/get too overwhelmed by possibilities/don't believe it's worth it anymore. Life LiteTM is okay most of the time at home but it's harder to swallow over here. My own thoughts constantly scream the above at me - you're not doing it right, you're missing the point, the best part. Exactly like festivals. Not quite as bad because I'm not engulfed by a sea of people proving my illegitimacy, yet. I don't want to meet anyone over here for fear of having to pretend I'm loved up and excitable and full of adrenalin a la typical backpackers everywhere.

I need a simp pill.


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10:47 pm

Sunday night - 6-7 hrs sleep
Monday night in KL - 8 hrs sleep
Tues in SR - 4 hrs in afternoon, 8 hrs overnight
Wed - 11 hrs overnight.
Thurs - have had 3 hr nap and still 100% exhausted.

Hard to be happy or excited when I never have any energy. Nothing new, of course, but a new level of shitty when trying to see a new country or several.


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08:32 pm

As far as I can understand it, existence is a joke that I don't get, and I spend all my time wondering whether everyone else does, or whether they're just nodding and laughing along to be polite.


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November 4th, 2013


07:45 pm

what do you want to do
how do you want to connect with the world?


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October 30th, 2013


05:52 pm

my brains going weird! I feel like reading philosophy. and harry potter. and about socialism.
I saw a pic of a puppy on instagram and I imagined it standing on the ground looking expectantly up at me and I teared up. at the idea that everyone starts off like the puppy, so full of hope and happiness and expectation. and then get worn down.
but I also teared up at the idea that there is some hope in the world. there must be if the puppy exists.
I also teared up at the idea of the puppy living with me and making my world better.
all this in a matter of seconds. it kinda happens with anything I see, hear, smell, perceive. it means so much for a bunch of reasons and im left with the result of all those thoughts and feelings. im so vulnerable to stimuli. I cant believe some people aren't affected that way. I wonder if I'll have some thick skin once I start this megavitamin therapy and fix all the things.


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October 17th, 2013


06:51 pm
manic anguish

weirdest most nostalgic painful hot feelings

teens, youth

bedford st

summer

manic anguish feels like anything could happen. i've only ever felt this after breakups. what is this heartache.

uugghhhhh

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October 11th, 2013


11:52 am
On Saturday night I had a meltdown, first one like that since started Lamictal around 2 months ago now. Pretty good run though. Lying in bed lamenting my life and crying and racked with anguish used to be far more regular.
At around the 5 or 6 week mark I noticed mid week that I was feeling a bit of the collapsing despair and started questioning whether or not I had just been keeping up a good prolonged placebo effect.
I upped my dosage 3 nights ago and started taking 1.5 tablets of 25mg strength. I feel like I can feel a difference, I'm noticing I'm feeling things stronger, like feeling really emotionally moved by music and getting a bit teary, in a satisfying way. It makes my libido really high and orgasms intense. I gotta be grateful that all the nice things are amplified. I feel fortunate not to have to have mania to treat. So I get to keep all the bits of my brain that make me excitable and buoyant. Though I've noticed in the past week when I get a surge of excitability it quickly dissipates and feels like my bubble's burst (to use a tired metaphor). Like I sort of quickly see through the fact that I'm just placing emphasis on things and investing hope and interest and I see that it's just a choice and there's nothing that great about anything and I flatten out and just come back to earth. I just come back without a massive bang-crash-cry-contemplate-death. Which is pleasant.

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October 5th, 2013


11:08 pm
My eyes sting like I'm underslept. They never feel fully open and they feel bleary. I feel like I have to keep rubbing them and looking again to see properly.
I don't feel like I can breathe deeply enough to get oxygen into my body. It feels like it's missing something.
If I have to pay attention my eyes cloud over and I shut down.
I want to lie down all the time.
I never don't feel tired.
There's about 4 hours after I wake up where I can do things before the wave of fatigue sets in and I must lie down again.
The brain fog is less than when I was working fulltime 2 months ago (could be to do with the mood stabilisers? Or working less?) but it's still there.

I've restricted my diet over the past 3 days and I'm going to keep going and see if I notice a difference. Started taking 2 zincs before bed with my lamictal and a b6 during the day.

Started stretching so my muscles have some stimulation without the stress of exercise.

2.5 years is too long.

If this lasts another 2.5 years I don't know how I'm going to make it through.

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September 17th, 2013


10:42 pm
Yesterday I saw a little school girl smash her face on the pavement because another boy had fallen off the bus into her and he was covering his mouth in horror at what he'd done. And today I saw a female pigeon with broken legs getting mounted by a male pigeon.

Is this disgusting world testing to see whether my mood stabilisers are working or what?!

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September 15th, 2013


04:48 pm
As soon as I realised that everything I did revolved around how it would look to an outsider looking at me, I started disabling it in my brain. I was really disturbed by the idea that my choices, desires, ambitions, the way I spent my time, was all governed by how I'd appear, either to strangers, my friends, distant acquaintances I held in high esteem, etc.

I feel like I've reached a point where I'm close to not giving a shit about how I appear and where I'm mainly interested in impressing myself. I want to see who I can be. I still check in with how I might appear from the outside, but mostly I want things to be good for myself.

It's weird though because the ego seems to be where a lot of successful, ambitious people work from. I suppose the idea of having money and being comfortable and having agency over your life through financial independence are all big factors too, but I think lots of people have this desire to do things to impress. Especially artists. I wonder how many creative people are driven by their need to EXPRESS, vs IMPRESS.

I'm interested in where the line should be since ego is a helpful entity, which should be observed and not taken too seriously, and used where necessary, but which shouldn't govern everything. But I've always been very all-or-nothing so maybe that's why I'm having a problem choosing FUCK OFF EGO or HEY EGO. I guess it's just a case of remembering to come back to my own desires, my own feelings, my own needs. Plus, if you ignore the ego and don't do what it directs you to do, and then you see someone else doing said thing, and you feel pain because you've decided not to do that because it's your ego talking, YOUR EGO STILL TALKS! And is pained because you haven't indulged it. And where is the difference between the egotistical desire and the genuine desire? It's all experimentation I suppose.

It's weird though because another big one for me is parenthood. Why the fuck do people want to be parents? Parenthood is an ego trip.
I mean I'm kind of interested in experiencing having a child. But from other people's discussion I get this idea that they want to have children because it's some kind of ego boost, or a status symbol, I'm a parent, I'm capable, I'm in charge. They build their identity around being a spouse/parent and it's supposed to be impressive.

I'm not impressed. Having children is selfish. There is no unselfish reason to breed. It's all well and good to have them but don't pretend it's anything to be proud of. It's probably the most basic thing a human can do. Eat, fuck, breed. Plus, it's highly likely you'll take your egotistical narcissistic messed up insecure bullshit out on your child without realising it, fucking them up for good. It's pretty inevitable if you're not self aware.

Your need to have children = your need for them to meet SOME SORT of criteria.

You're gonna fuck em up. You're gonna leave it up to them to work that shit out. Maybe they will and they'll break the cycle and won't have children OR MORE RARELY they'll have children and they'll actually be equipped and capable enough to bring them up without passing on the bullshit (UNLIKELY).

ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE SOMETHING? TO WHOM? This is an important question to ask oneself in the face of any kind of life decision aka having a partner/marrying a partner/breeding. Who's in the back of your mind watching your success? Who are you keen to show that you can be successful and have a happy relationship and have children who are also successful? If the answer is anyone, you should think again, you derp.

Impress yourself first. Anyone else shouldn't matter or at most should be a bonus.

I've narrowed down these shadow people and I know who I'm trying to impress in the back of my brain. I'm actively working on sweeping them out.

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September 14th, 2013


07:45 pm
Just got off the phone with my Mum, we were talking about my brother's struggles with severe mental health issues and this led to me talking about myself and asking my Mum why she didn't ever think I had ADHD and why didn't she see signs that I wasn't like other children. She told me something I'd completely forgotten about, that a teacher at my primary school had told her she should take me to a psychologist. I had been in a gifted and talented class in year 3 and had been asked to leave because of my disruptive behaviour with another boy. The boy wasn't kicked out. The teacher had recommended Mum take me to be assessed but Mum took it with a grain of salt because I was a high achiever. When my Mum told me this story so many things came back to me and made sense. I can remember the guilt and shame of having spoilt everything after having this 'fantastic opportunity' but fucking it. This same thing happened time and again with different classes or activities for smart kids, art classes, I was top of my grade in French but then I wrote something stupid in the 'sorry book' for Sorry Day and it got back to my French teacher and I'd 'ruined everything'. I made obsessive prank phone girls to several girls at school just because I was in a hyperactive stupid state. That was in year 5. I was taken around to one girl's house to apologise. It was a massive deal. Then I did the same thing in year 7 and nearly got kicked out of the SRC.

This was basically the story of my life as a kid and as a result I have a massive complex with the idea of 'ruining' things. Like, you were being so good, but then you went and RUINED it. All my best friends' parents hated me, teachers would be simultaneously proud and disappointed in me, my parents made me feel guilty without realising it. I was hypomanic/hyperactive but I didn't have any understanding of why I was different.

The fact that I was also an angry/depressed kid/teen/adult has never made sense either, because I don't fit the typical picture of severe depression because it's interspersed with bouts of hypomania.

No one has ever told me about cyclothymia OR suggested I might be ADHD. A psychiatrists did suggest bipolar when I was 16 but I dismissed it because I only knew about bipolar I. Bipolar II and cyclothymia have never been mentioned to me by subsequent psychologists or psychiatrists (4 in total).
I've had to do all the research myself which, for a depressed person with ADHD, is obviously not a swift process.
I'm so upset about the fact that so many people are misunderstood, not given the assistance or advice they need, simple advice that might help them, help them understand themselves and treat themselves. I have years of pain and shame about my actions to work through and come to terms with. This shouldn't have taken til age 26.

I suspect that my mother may have a similar thing to me that remains undiagnosed.
The idea of all this pain and shit that people go through not being addressed and being passed on to generations and insecurities and shame and guilt and sadness just cycling through to children is just so messed up.

I'm so drained putting all this together.

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August 29th, 2013


07:13 pm

Detached myself from what's in my heart and mind for survival's sake.

 

But observing others acting on these things that I've severed myself from is a reminder to reconnect. I'm not sure how to do it though. Disconnection has been comfortable and I've gained from it.

 

Fuck it's an endless battle for balance.

 

The shit I loved/cared about/wanted to make a difference to is so pale in my mind. Forcing myself to act on things when I feel nothing might just end in a failure.

 

What will bring me nonexistent clarity?


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August 27th, 2013


08:29 pm
Being away from everyone would be good because then I wouldn't be constantly stressed about fucking up.
That's why Lismore was good.
People sent me loving messages about missing me, and I wasn't there to remind them of what I'm actually like.

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07:39 pm
Guilt. Shame. Every day. Forever.

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07:37 pm
Writhing in self-loathing at how badly I represent myself.
I see myself and hear myself and read myself and I am so upset at how I represent myself and how I must be perceived. I stress that people feel and think things about me that overlook my knowing better than to be that way.
I can sometimes recognise I've fucked up and come to terms with it and let it go.
Other times I recognise I've said or done something that can be taken in different ways and no one reacts or gives me any feedback as to how I'm being perceived and so I am in a pit of anxiety and hatred toward myself and annoyance that I can never make myself clear. Because usually these things are fleeting and unimportant. And to try and speak about them makes me seem to earnest and the conversation seem farcical.
The idea of people tolerating me is my worst fear.

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August 17th, 2013


09:21 pm

Started taking Lamotrigine on Wednesday night after getting it prescribed and filled earlier that day. Psychiatrist recommended that one last time but I wasn't convinced. After buying it I had a premonition about it thinning my hair, looked it up, lo and behold many users report their hair falling out even though it's not listed as a side effect. Have to get some kind of vitamin hair complex with silica and biotin.

 

Also got antibiotics. All the pills.
I'm paranoid I'm going to develop that fatal rash from the Lamictal. My forehead is already covered in little tiny pimples which is fucking weird. I don't know what meds that's from.

 

I'm doing moodscope most days.

 

I'm noticing my extreme irritability and anger in public.

 

I got fired on Tuesday because work's too quiet. So I've immediately organised centrelink and got a psych letter and such. I'm pretty thrilled I gotta say. My days are my own once more.

 

Woke up at 4am this morning, watched orange is the new black, read a Diamanda Galas interview from this old magazine called Angry Women I found in Newtown in the street last year. Played uke. Drank tea. Did a load of washing. All before 8am. I do not know why my sense of achievement is so connected to how early I get up but if I'd gotten up at midday and done all that there would be a sense of anxiety or semi-failure attached to it.

 

Yesterday I got up at ten-ish am and fell asleep at nine pm. I could not. stay. awake. It was impossible. So sick that feeling. But the early wakeup is good. Though I've now been awake for 17 hours and still feel fatigue-wired so I don't think I'll be waking up before the birds tomorrow.

 

I hand fed a kookaburra on Aarin's deck. I googled it and it said you ain't meant to because it decreases the fright-flight distance which is DANGEROUS for all involved.


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August 12th, 2013


08:05 pm

New level. Harvey's gone. I'm sad. I'm incapacitated and unmotivated. All the usual things that make me happy do not. I'm confused and lost. Not going to work makes things weird since there's no structure. It gets to me. But I couldn't have gone last week with the flu and when I tried to work this morning I just cried and my manager sent me home. What's a chronically depressed chronically post-virally fatigued plus acutely grieving/acutely virally sick girl to do?
I don't enjoy feeling worried for myself.

 

The fucking bush around my family house will taunt me now. It contains Harvey but it won't tell me where. Why can't we just fucking find him so it's done.  So we can see where he died and say goodbye.

 

No, it is not better this way.


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August 9th, 2013


01:23 pm
I feel like I might try reboxetine again.
I was in a bad bad way last time, but the promise of being able to be still and concentrate is luring me. If I could be confident that I could concentrate, I could stop stressing about whether or not I could handle studying. I just need to know I could do it.
I'm thinking of starting on a quarter of the pill (1mg). I took 2mg last time, so maybe halving that will reduce the suddenness of the effect.
The stillness and calmness is what's luring me back. So incredibly different to my normal state. Maybe the shock of not having racing thoughts was why it was so depressing ... not having excitable thoughts in there every few flickers of thoughts. Just having stillness. It was a weird day for it too. It's hard to find a 'good' day to start though. I suppose a regular work day. It just put me in such a bubble though, very isolating. Hmmm. Why is it such a fucking gamble. Also I feel like I'd only want to take it while studying and fuck it off otherwise. Maybe ritalin is a better choice ...
Maybe I'll try some ritalin right now.

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August 2nd, 2013


10:21 am

Holy shit I just keep tearing up at work today. I haven't been a cryer for years. I wonder if the meds a week ago are still playing subtle havoc or if I'm making my own natural descent into tearful despair.


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09:53 am

I'm running out of hope.


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09:37 am

I want to feel robust and confident. instead of feeble and fragile.


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09:36 am


Frustrated that the psychiatrist hasnt thought that its worth doing any tests.
Frustrated that I had to ASK for a diagnosis before he said cyclothymia and ADD.
Frustrated that I had to put the words into his mouth.
It makes me feel phony like I created it.
Why hasnt anyone helped me.
If someone had told me cyclothymia existed years ago this might have been fixed years ago. Why didnt the psych tell me ADD and bipolar are commonly found together?? I just read that!! ?!?!?!

Why am I not getting the help I feel I need. This system is fucked. If you're not using illicit drugs or threatening suicide or psychotic they dont bother.
If you're semi functional you can forget about being taken seriously.


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August 1st, 2013


03:56 pm

I can't believe I still can't get my head around my head.
Last night I was drawing, playing music, singing, watching movies and reading. I didn't want to go to sleep. I was in a really good space. Distractable as fuck as per usual, but DOING, not just thinking. Nice simple things. Poppy said the other night maybe I don't WANT anything else, maybe I only want the little pleasures. Well maybe but then why do I beat myself up for not having achieved more? Plus she also scoffed at the idea of me being energetic which was mean and offensive and a bit saddening given that my true apathy is actually quite young. I used to have dreams and ambitions, not so long ago. I still do, I'm just coming around to the idea that I'll probably never do any of it because I'm lazy, and because I can deconstruct the purpose of anything I desire down to nothing. And can skip through the experience to the end and see that the end ain't even that great. And that even if I did study and get a job that gave me a heap of money I'd still have to work like a sucker for it and be around people.
Today a couple of things triggered me and now I'm BLEAK AS FUCK. I hate myself and everyone and everything, I just want some space and time and for everyone to go away, except for the minimum amount of people I consciously make space for in my head.
Social elimination diet: eliminate all people except the bare minimum. Gradually add people back in over the course of a year. When one irritates you, eliminate it entirely. When you reach your threshold, stop. Repeat.

 

Now I'm at work and I'm supposed to be training. So I'll have to concentrate. Yesterday I found this so impossible I asked to leave. My head. Is so. Damn foggy. I hate myself for fucking my body over and getting the virus and the fatigue and the aching body. It's actually so fucking humorous and messed up that I was already struggling and then I got more tired, sore, sick and apathetic and depressed. A recipe for a great life.
The reason it's so sad is because I'm still holding out hope. Started a diet this week to try and fix things.  Already bored and annoyed and hate everything. Nothing works. I wish I didn't hate social interactions.


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July 27th, 2013


07:21 pm

am I too narrow minded? am I too open minded? do I see things too clearly or is my vision obscured? am I over analysing or not contemplating the most important things? am I missing something? WHAT?


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07:19 pm

for my reference once this drug is out of my system:
No reason to do anything
unmotivated
still socially anxious/stressed
depressed - can see all my failures, can't do anything, everything is pointless anyway
feel alone, disconnected.
feel like everything is difficult.
not excited by anything. everything is boring and pointless.
can't think of an over arching motivation for existing.
difficulty reacting to people appropriately - Can't laugh politely, I feel so flatlined and still. feel like I'm observing not partaking.
the infrequent excitement I feel is gone
no joy in small pleasures like cups of tea, food, movies in bed
just want my usual mind back.


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06:57 pm

First day on reboxetine.
I'm in hell.
This is the kind of state I seek to TREAT. Go fuck yourself reboxetine.


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July 26th, 2013


11:58 am

Got a weird craving for artificial apple flavour.


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