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September 30th, 2009
06:20 pm
Hi, my name is Potentia.
I live in the past;
it's a self-destruction thing.
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September 23rd, 2009
09:30 am - Reiki times.
Last night I think I experienced what it is to invert pain.
It felt cold rather than hot. As I moved through the thought I anticipated feeling vulnerable being so open, but instead there was strength and such peace in it.
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September 14th, 2009
11:33 pm
Tarnished is the word that comes to mind.
Dull aches.
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September 6th, 2009
11:11 pm
I'm growing very, very weary of my own head.
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June 18th, 2009
10:14 pm - Yep.
If it starts with me, I have the power to cease leaking it. If it starts externally then comes for me, I have the power to not return it and break the cycle. The trouble lies in determining which it is. Am I projecting an idea onto someone else, convenient enough for me, providing an opening to allow my emotions to live and grow? Or am I genuinely detecting the existence of someone else's bullshit coming toward me?
And is it healthy enough to assume the former, that it is me, and therefore set about doing everything possible to cease my own feeding of my own emotional demise? I suppose it is.
How do I contain it though? I suppose it lies in looking at the examples supporting the latter and really picking them apart to see if there's any real substance there. Show yourself there isn't and maybe you can prove to yourself you're worked up over nothing. It might just be that what you hate most about yourself is simply being reflected in someone else, and you can't handle it!!
Be that the case, am I to learn a lesson and curb that part of myself? But how? It is unfair indeed that I cannot exist peacefully with myself without someone else showing up and displaying qualities that are my own, therefore demeaning us both to a lower value. Can't have more than one of me. But perhaps the clue lies in the "peaceful" existence ... I am content to be a certain way, until someone else appears and is that way, and confronts me because I despise what I see. Perhaps the point here is that you aren't resting easily with yourself at all, it's just a cop-out.
I want to feel genuine. I want to stop feeling like I'm simply trying things on for size; images, archetypes, approaches. Does all of that lead to a genuine person in the end? Or do you just don new apparel consistently throughout your life and never reach a fundamental core?
I know I change. I know I am in flux and although it makes me somewhat uneasy I am intellectually aware of the concept. But am I flowing from genuine article to genuine article? Or am I flowing from costume to costume? Is there a difference? Can anyone really ever know the essence of me? I feel like I am completely unworthy of much praise when I receive it. I'm noticing how I cringe when somebody really says something great about my essence. I actually think less of the person sometimes, like, well, that shows how off-track you are, if you put me on that high a pedestal! It also makes me wonder if it's true though, or if there's any element of truth in it.
I'm having a massive quintessential existential crisis and the funny thing is, as it has been for the last year or so, I feel as if I'm about to break through and do amazingly well, and also as if I'm just about to finally crack it and lose the plot entirely. I feel like if I were to truly bring this sea of thoughts that sails through my head daily to the surface, all the flotsam and gunky weed, all at once, I'd actually have a complete breakdown. The enormity of it is scary and I keep catching myself jumping at the idea that I exist, this way, at everything, more than I can really type. That people are content to accept this as reality; why isn't everybody freaking out? I keep wondering. Why aren't you all panicking; what if this actually is all there is? This. Blandness ... this feeling of a promise that was meant to be fulfilled by now.
I feel old; but I do not feel wise. I feel like I have missed life's grandest lessons and that I can somehow grasp the corners of them, but I'm too busy analysing them whilst everybody else lives and breathes them. You all seem to do it so well. I know you all suffer and fuck up and feel depressed and alone but I see you all in the moment; I see you all losing yourselves; am I older or younger I wonder? Have I been there already, and now I am in a wistful autumn of my many lives, contemplating, analysing, learning in retrospect? Or am I yet to reach it, the child watching the learned enacting their wordly crafts, hoping to one day attain these for myself?
I continue to feel as if I may faint, or just implode. When I walk about, I have this heavy, heavy feeling upon me; like perhaps someone will pop out and confirm that this is indeed it. This world is getting on top of me and I'm forgetting how to get by, I think. I feel like other people are feeling it too and I don't feel like I can live this out, really. I just can't imagine standing this world long enough.
I'm absolutely lost, my only comfort is going back, convincing myself my thoughts are somewhat of a lie and that the real happy world consists of being here in my home, reading, tv, plans for the future, visiting my friends, my family, learning, existing. But I'm terrified if that's all there is.
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May 26th, 2009
10:21 am
I feel so good right now in comparison to how ridiculously low I felt last night, and how anxious I felt when I woke up. Anxious and angry and tortured. I feel like I talked myself into some state of peace this morning though. I can't normally do that so well.
I don't want to hold on to past shit anymore and for some reason today I think something's clicked and I can start to be free of it.
I know I'm a melancholy person at heart and when I think of beautiful days gone by or I sit by myself at dusk or whatever, I feel this intense longing in my heart that hurts so good, like pushing on a bruise. I don't know that I necessarily want to work towards being free of it because I think it's quite a beautiful feeling in its own way, but I want to be free of the anger and resentment to anything that's happened in the past. Forgiveness is fucking hard but I feel closer to it today than ever, I think. I sincerely hope that something I haven't gone over in my mind yet doesn't come up later and fuck my whole approach.
This has been the most bipolar PMS. Mess one night, saintly peace and acceptance the next day. It's been going on nearly a week. Mainly the former though, the saintly peace has only really become stable today.
When's it gonna stop. When's it gonna stop. Crazy brain chemistry. Crazy body.
I missed my life when I was up in Blackheath, I'm in a stage of life where I'm stable mentally, financially, I live with good people who respect me, and my space, and my life. I enjoy spending time alone here and I never have enjoyed that before at home, by myself. I've always craved other people to be around, to validate my experience. Otherwise doing anything by myself was so little and sad. Made me feel lonely and pathetic. Now I love it. It's strange. How one changes in two years. What changes, what stays the same, so far anyway.
I need to be free of the cycle of resentment and bitterness because it makes me feel like shit, if I project it onto others I feel guilty, then if they react badly I feel so low and my self-esteem plummets as I know they think less of me, then I get bitter and resentful that I should be made to feel that way, cycle, cycle, cycle.
Cease the cycle. Cease resentment. Embrace the reality of the present moment. And channel melancholy, angst, sadness into non-damaging action. It's an art ...
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March 5th, 2009
05:32 pm
i can smell your booty hole. smells like curry. I bet you've been to Tamana's
from ??? (3 months ago)
in my truth box.
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January 17th, 2009
02:18 pm
So last night after posting an entry about the whole dark feeling thing I ended up having a fun night, after jokingly saying in a bogan chick voice, "Let's go oouut!" and so we all ended up trawling to the station and then to the city, and met Geoff, and went on the monorail (twice) and then traipsed around the city and to Hyde Park, where Laura and I were escorted off the premises even after Laura's convincing skirt-lifting weeing act ... to try and convince the bouncer people that we had gotten in through the front but then needed to wee around the corner and came back in that way. We thought we'd made it but the peeps made us leave =(.
But then we just went to Oxford Street and walked up and down. Then we went home again.
I'm going to see the gypsy thing at the Domain for the Sydney Fest tonight, me and Aarin and Matt are going and my fam are going too, so we might link up and have a fun time.
Jevon left a voicemail on my phone saying he found my bag ... !!! Yes!!! It had $70 or so in it, and my I.D. (the thing that would have made last night a bit more eventful), and my makeup and some other stuff. I was SURE I couldn't have lost it, I was so vigilant at Woodford. I had thought it might have been in their tent but when I looked I didn't see it. But woohoo, they have it, yay.
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January 16th, 2009
07:46 pm - dusk intensity
I've had this dark feeling behind everything I do my whole life.
No matter what I'm engaged in there's something deeply sad about it. Really achingly melancholy. I'm looking outside and the dusk and the breeze and the unused backyard and stirring this feeling in my heart that I always get if I'm awake by myself at night or at dusk, it's this shock to my heart, like a rush of a adrenaline ... as if I'm missing out.
It all comes back to missing out. It's like the world is always letting me know I'm missing the point, or missing an experience.
It's what used to drive me to get drunk and message people late at night, this intense lonely ache that says night is for lovers. Night is for living. Night is for magic.
Where's the magic gone? I had it awhile though even that felt empty, in its ways. Is my whole life going to be me chasing my tail? Wondering how to find things not so sad ...
I'm so analytical that I find it hard to lose myself. But that can't be my complete excuse because Aaron's skilfully adept at both. I wonder if that's just some freak skill, being overly analytical and still being able to lose oneself. I can lose myself, but not with many people. I'm always on the edge and never fully immersed and I just don't know how to do it anymore. I feel like my spirit's awkwardly shaped. There are few people I can lose myself in. I can talk to people, and be interested, but my spirit feels tired, and weak, and awkward, and on the edge. Like I'm involuntarily holding back.
I didn't used to feel so much like this, when I really managed to sporadically convince myself I was king shit and like I mattered and had something to contribute, and drank at least nine coffees a day, circa 2007. But that wasn't completely postive either.
I feel like I've disconnected from the life-energy that runs through everything and nothing seems to be coming across my path with perfect timing anymore, not that it really ever did in bulk, really. Is it my fault that I'm not seeing coincidences, do I need to do something with my perspective in order to allow myself to be part of the universe's flow?
I want advice but I have no one to talk to because if ever I talk to anyone I just depress people with my bleak outlook ... I can see the frustration with how leak-proof my 'opinions' are, not that they're opinions exactly, they're just things I've picked up by looking around at what I see.
I miss my boy, I miss Woodford, it was magic.
I have a stomach probem, it's been going on since before Exodus, but during Exodus it wasn't that evident, but it's back again, this achey feeling in my stomach after I eat, and ongoing too. It's gross.
I joined this community and they want me to post a massive application and photos and stuff, I'm quite intimidated in case I look like a fool and they hate me. Livejournal communities can seriously be such shark pools.
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January 14th, 2009
06:47 pm - ruby lube
I asked about my allergies on the vegan community today, pretty much found out quinoa is something I need to get ... I've been thinking about it for a while but I didn't realise it was as good as it is in terms of iron, protein and calcium. It has heaps.
Exodus was good, but a bit weird too. I didn't get into it as much as I might have if it were shorter. I was a bit lazy.
I had a weird day on the Saturday, after eating some mushrooms. I became very introspective and cried a bit behind my sunnies ... Neil took a photo of me as I was crying a bit inside Shara's tent, it's on facebook now. You can't see I'm crying.
I had moments of clarity where I just wanted to ask questions about people's reality and why they're content to be there. How come they aren't consistently depressed with their precarious situation as a human being. What motivates them and why people interest them and why they bother doing anything at all. Why they don't feel patronised at the limits of being human. I wanted advice.
I watched the sky and watched the snowflake edges of the clouds and trees. I drank a few beers for the first time in forever. Carlton Cold just really seemed perfect. I took my time and spent about two hours on the first beer. It was so pleasant and melancholy and moody and broody and odd.
For a while I wondered where on earth would I next piss? Even though I'd already just pissed. I eventually solved the problem when I remembered that Aaron's tent has little awnings either side of it and I could piss there with no one seeing me. I felt immensely relieved. Ha.
I swam in the lake on Sunday for a little bit. A catfish or something nudged my foot. It was apparently biting everyone.
Being there was pretty beautiful, this community of people bathing at a lake all together, families and children and beautiful goddess women with their massive hair and brown naked bodies. There were cliffs on either side of the lake and a waterfall and cave ... though I didn't see the latter two as I didn't swim far enough up the lake.
I wrote a list of things I want to do this year today. Also got a start on my room, throwing out lots of things and moving it around for the last few weeks I'm here. I'm pretty scared about having commitments in the city and living in the mountains ... I've lived in syd for two years ...
I set up my net banking today too.
Spoke to Aaron today, he climbed a massive rock bigger than Uluru today. Pretty sick.
Think I'll go back and finish my bedroom ...
Current Mood: alkaline
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January 7th, 2009
07:27 pm
It's weird being back in Sydney. I can't figure out if it's Sydney that isn't good for me or if I just can't cope with normal life in general, and that's why my holiday was so amazing and being back is bleak. But then I justify by saying it's not like life stopped during my holiday. The holiday was life too. And it was relatively taxing at times. The heat and the tiredness and all. Yet my spirit flourished.
The last two mornings waking up in Sydney again have depressed me. The first morning just looking around the house and at the backyard and remembering when people were obsessed with LSD and how depressing and lonely that was to think that it was a shit thing to do and have no one to really talk to about it. This morning thinking about Bedford and how I felt more alive last year ... for a time.
At Woodford and Byron I reached mindframes I've never been at before, of peace and empathy. One night in particular that I spent with Aaron watching the clowns and then as we walked back to the tent and got in the tent for a little bit ... he was going back to talk to Alanna and I was staying in the tent and I didn't even feel a speck of that horrid "missing out" feeling I get when people stay up and I don't ... I was entirely content to be with Aaron for about twenty minutes before he headed back. I had reached this ultimate state of peace that I hadn't ever been at before. I was speaking well and felt like I moved easily and breezily and I had realisations about my own identity. We kissed and it was divine.
The night before we got to Woodford in the caravan park, Dreamtime, was also pretty lovely. I feel like we rediscovered kissing. To really be in the moment with it, not letting it lead up to something else but just small, intimate movements and peace and love.
Off to Exodus tomorrow so I really want to try and spend some time with Aariny tonight. I really love him and I find it hard to find time for him and me in the Croydon House ... or at least I have since I've been back and probably a bit before Woodford too. Always things going on. I find it hard to integrate with people a lot. I'm not sure what I have to offer or what they have to offer me. I'm not seeking fun anymore. I'm just seeking myself and trying to figure out how to get back to that space at Woodford after the clowns. I was seeking that before I'd even felt it, before Woodford.
I have a lot of faith in moving home to help me sort some things out. To save, to buy some things I've wanted for a while, to get away from a cockroach-ridden house. I knew they'd come, I warned everyone. I told everyone to clean up their dinner mess and nobody listened and now once again like Bedford I share my food cupboards with roaches. I refuse to do it again. I doubt I'll ever live in a sharehouse again.
Home with parents should be good for a while until I feel like getting out again, I don't know if I want to come back to Sydney or head somewhere else. Sydney feels stale but it is a big place, who knows with the right place and good company.
It's my break, I'm going to go buy a sandwich.
I started reading Chemical Palace because I finished Praise. I've been reading more over last last few months than I have over the past year probably. I read the Bell Jar, then LSD My Problem Child, then the Celestine Prophecy, then Praise, now Chemical Palace ... I tried Requiem for a Dream and the Krishna book but couldn't read them ... probably because of being at work ... and my mindset at the time was a bit bleak I think.
I skipped my period this month, I've never done that before. I just knew I might not be too good after coming back from Byron. Having the slight chance of tiny PMS on tuesday since it would be the fourth day without the pill made me think I should go straight on to the next pill packet and not have the four-day 'sugar pill' gap. I don't actually even know if the fourth day gives me PMS or if it's been a coincidence that I haven't felt so good on that day two months in a row. The decision was confirmed when I thought about having my period in a tent. Also the paranoia I often feel when I have my period wouldn't be welcome at Exodus. So I feel a bit crap about not having it since it's a bit of a visual release each month and I feel a bit like I betrayed my body. I already feel like I'm betraying it anyway dosing it up with the Yaz every day. But it betrayed me first by giving me the unbearable PMDD.
I feel pretty weird about staying in Armidale overnight tomorrow. I was excited about it at first then I just thought I think I'll be anxious the entire time and just want to drive the last two and a half hours and get there the same night.
It's so weird we're driving up tomorrow. I have to pack again tonight, bizarre!! I just got used to being here again ... I'm going to miss Aarin ... and little Matty ... =( =(
Hopefully I can spend a good night with them tonight before I fuck off again.
Twenty minutes until I try to get onto a bus to go home with an expired travel ten, I hope the driver doesn't notice the beeping. I hope I can sneak on.
My pimples were so bad at Woodford and Byron. Maybe all the sunscreen. The day I got back to Sydney they all cleared up though. Weird. I had no hayfever up there. Aaron did. Mine's back now that I'm back in Sydney.
Aarin just messaged me and said he's coming to Broadway and that he'll call me when I finish at 9.30! Maybe we can get a taxi home, I think he wants to do that with groceries ... oh man maybe I won't have to try my travel ten scheme after all ...
Laura and Aarin killed the giant wasp nest in the bush out the front last night. I heard the hubbub from my bed. Screaming and Geoff exclaiming he saw one shoot up into the air. And copious spraying. And "do you want to borrow my balaclava?"
Is it hard to be analytical and lose yourself? I find I tend to analyse things and therefore find it hard to lose myself in situations or whatever ... Aaron seems quite adept at handling both and not letting either one dominate ... analysing and losing himself simultaneously ... I find it hard to really do anything because my cogs are just turning so constantly and organising the data that's incoming instead of being the data. Be the data. Great mantra.
Mushrooms, the great all-rounder!! (more delicious than I can tell)
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October 12th, 2008
07:26 pm - hurting to feel something more than life
Am I that empty, and I am suffering as a result? Or am I completely full, and unaware?
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October 8th, 2008
09:47 pm - completely lost
This is only the third time in my life I've felt this bad.
I am actually frozen, I have no idea what to do.
My mind is so full of things.
Disbelief, primarily.
I can't even begin to put into words how horrid I feel. I can't talk. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't feel like I should.
I just feel so bad for myself as well. If this were my lover or friend feeling and being the way I am at the moment, I'd just be devastated to see them this way.
At home I'm haunted and I'm full of taunting thoughts and don't know how to fill my time. I don't want to go to work because I cry on the phone when customers answer. Today was hard to get through. I feel like I might crack soon and just hang up the phone and walk out of the shift. I had an escalation today because I'm so not taking people's shit. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any of this.
I have a shift tomorrow for eight hours and I cry just at the thought of having to work while I feel this way.
I am just on a constant cycle of cry-anger-blank-cry-anger-blank. All the while constantly paranoid of what is the best approach? Will I fuck up everything if I get angry? Should I just keep it in and act sad? Everyone loves a sad person. You can be everything for a sad person. You can't be anything for an angry person. Except a pin cushion.
I am angry though. When do I get to just scream and be totally angry and just be listened to, without defence?
I feel like I should be granted that. Yet it has not happened.
My skin has gone terrible again. I thought it had started to get better with the pill. Clearly, or, unclearly, not.
I feel like all I have is the internet at the moment, and even that seems wrong now.. can't express myself here either ..
tell me, where do I go?
Where do I go, when I shouldn't talk to people, and I only have one person and that person's getting drained, and I can't do anything except sit around by myself ... I can't stand people ... all the more because they don't get how I feel ... I can't laugh ... I feel so bad for weighing on Aarin ... I feel so frozen, I have no idea what to do. I have no idea what to do, I don't know what to do, when, when, when will I know what the fuck to do in this fucked up stupid unfair MEAN situation. What the mother fuck do I do.
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October 4th, 2008
01:21 pm - dying inside
One more disaster I can add to my generous supply.
(Funny how theatre lyrics come in handy at these times).
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October 3rd, 2008
01:14 pm
i'm lying in bed basking in my own intense heartache. thinking about other people's memories and other people's lives and their fertile rich emotional beautiful past. im just waiting for a new era to begin that i feel im involved with. i know its already here. i have no idea how to start living in this moment. i am forever malcontent.
the last time i remember really feeling like i was starting to taste life again, drugs and goon were the things speeding up the intensity of everything.
now, i feel dirty after i have a night fueled by any substance. i feel like ive shown too much of myself, or talked a whole lot of bullshit i dont even believe.
why cant i move on from other people's pasts.
so many questions.
too many painful answers.
is the pain healthy.
or best left as potential.
Current Location: aarin's bed
Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: pat
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September 7th, 2008
10:00 pm
And then
Marlene
Barbara Robert Annette Joanne Chris Mirta Matthew Cuong Brian Mahen Jemma Glenn Julie Alex Yvonne
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08:21 pm - nuss
I am here at work. It is getting rather tiresome. But I just had dinner so that's nice. But it's made me sleepy. Natalie has just called me.
Oh I just had a call from Fabio!! Haha!!
A girl from work just called me, to set up an e-tag for her boyfriend. It was a bit weird because I was explaining about e-tags and accounts to a colleague ... who wasn't sure of procedures ... like I was teaching her about work ... weird.
This is the list of customers I have spoken to today, forever immortalised on my journal:
Anne Colleen Chuck Rachel Yvonne Brendan Deborah Dusam Alelli Lyn Gina Keith Peter Timothy Peter Lionel May Tim Nathan Sean Robyn Toni Nathan Sean Joyce Lynne Tammy Patrick Hilary William Dorinda Paula Mark Bettie Christie Gurpreet Lyndell David Stephen Peter Anil Craig Ken Vicki Natalie Fabio Nicole Ray Sean
And still an hour and a quarter to go.
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September 2nd, 2008
05:52 pm
I am now eating the deliciousy chilli con caarne. Yerm.
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05:34 pm
She's being bitten,
this kitten.
And non co-operative fingers
play their internal pulses.
I'm feeling so floaty and flat. Also freaked out about my bag being lost. I don't get it. How did it just get eaten by the house. I need it. So badly!
So frustrating. If I have lost it, I'm going to freak the fuck out. I have a lot of shit written down in that diary that I need to keep. Hoard everything.
Geoff's making chilli con carne for dinner except he's making one that also suits me as a chilli non carnivore. From the gluten I provided him. Mm gluteous.
The doctor today would not backdate my doctor's certificate like the others do. I asked what somebody that works nights is supposed to do if they can't get a doctor's certificate before midnight of the night they're meant to be working due to doctors being shut. He was so unhelpful and stupid and rude. I was rude back. Loser.
I feel clogged. And Dutch.
Where is my BAG?
So frustrated. I am wanting for some motivation or something. I just want to Curl Up & Dye, my favourite salon to have my tresses permed and coloured.
Something just smashed in the kitchen. I hope it was not the glass bowl containing the food for our chilli con carnival. That would be so sad.
GEH I feel lost and frustrated.
Current Mood: stressed
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August 25th, 2008
10:27 pm
The kids just went to the beach. I kind of felt like going but I'm a bit tired. And also I feel like I should go and nurture Aarin. He hasn't had the best of times lately. I might go and make sure he's snug and set up the Simpsons sleep.
I hate never being satisfied.
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08:56 pm - angry girl, shitty verses
Written in disappointment and hurt:
Girly Goliath.
A Quay shame.
Shame is key,
groping the open.
Yes, she tries to make it known,
to make her own.
Hearing the knowing tone.
-->Cloned clowns claw<-- (yes, they do)
and her jaw
hangs.
Although
the Champagne Campaign
is hideous idiocy,
-->lids lower<-- and hearts beat
too fast for their cages.
Looking spookily around the ground,
coming upon ... Tom Hanks.
I'm over it.
fin 11.45 wednesday,13 august 2008.
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July 11th, 2008
11:20 am - speck
This is my fifth day without caffeine. Aaroniii Gibbs just left for the weekend to go to Newcastle. I am about to change my room around ... and try the bed under one window, see how it goes. This is also day 38 of my cycle. 38, lolz, that is ridiculous.
I want to buy a DVD of Whose Line Is It Anyway. I might go to Burwood before work and see if I can ... is there a JB there? I don't think there is ... gah. Maybe one in Broadway? Whatevs. I start work at 2.30 ...
Tincture.
Me and Aaroniii stayed up talking about words last night. Really good words like tincture and inuit and scintillating. And feint.
I start work in three hours so I'm going to go and attempt to make the most of it ...
it feels like Saturday so much. I am ignoring daytime TV and convincing myself sports are on. Not Dr Phil and Oprah and Ready Steady Cook. Those shows EAT MY DAY UP.
I'm going to go shit and do mi bedroom and maybe go do a tinsey bit of shoppang.
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July 6th, 2008
02:20 pm - Try all, and err. Or -
I woke up this morning at four thirty. Bromley was replacing Aaron, on his side of the bed, snoozing away. It was really dark. The idea that I'd be walking to the station on an extended Saturday night (for some people) made me a bit scared, since it would be very dark walking through all the streets and stuff. So I ordered a taxi, my reference number was thirteen.
I got the taxi, went to work for five hours starting at six thirty, and was surprisingly chipper (how I hate that word ... why have I chosen it) and friendly. My personal script is now so in depth customers barely have to ask me anything when I set them up a viz paz.
Anyway I walked to the station and trained it home, but spotting the medical centre as I came out of the station, I decided to go and get some meds for my urinary tract infection, thinking that if I leave it and don't treat it that it might develop into a hectic Super Mega Kidney Fungus.
Dr Crumple-Squarts started to prescribe my meds and looked at me a bit startled when I responded to his question 'no chance of pregnancy ..' He'd asked it not even like a question, but one of a series of routine boxes to un-tick.
I was like, 'possibly' ... he's like, 'what you mean'. I'm like, well I am sexually active so I can't completely rule it out. He's like, 'you trying to get pregnant?' I'm like, 'No.' Anyway he took some of my pisstle thistle and sent off a nice sample to the Kidney-infection Institute and stuck a pregnancy test in some more of my (Nintendo) Wii-Wii which came out as negative.
Off I went with my script for Bactrim and distinct unpregnancy.
Part the way there I realised I didn't have my keys. I called Aariny. He had gone to watch a man in a tall hat voraciously yank rabbits by their floppy ears from his tired beret. I asked if I could meet him before he got there and get his key. Alas, I was fucked.
I spoke to Aaroniii and reaffirmed my options; go back to Central, fill my script, and get Geoff's key, or go home, squeeze my eyes shut and strain, and somehow end up apparating inside the house.
I hung up and began to cry on someone's lawn. Midway through a sob I noted that I had conveniently sat down across from a cute corner shop. I hatched a plot to find the situation hilarious and get some snack food to enjoy some of the finest most b-grade entertainment set before me in a while.
Inside the shop I reached for some Doritos but quietly reminded myself of my sinking dietary habits and placed them back on the shelf.
I bought a loaf of bread, two tomatoes, some salt, some plastic knives and a ba-na-na.
I sat down across from the crying lawn in a slightly happier lawn. I proceeded to have a Pique-Nique Solitaire. I cut the tomatoes and sprinkled them with salt as copious amounts Sunday Families™ drove past in their big family four-wheel drives and walked past me in tight-knit herds.
I set off eating my tom sam good and made it to House of Royds, where I promptly set about hatching a plot.
The most feasible option seemed the back toilet window. I measured my hips; just shy of being a non-window-fitting fatty. I attempted to get myself in ... but there was a huge gap behind me, and if I fell I probably would've broken my neck. There was nothing to hold onto.
It took me quite a few attempts before I realised I'd need something to stand on. Tried a crate; fell over. Tried backwards, to no avail.
Spied the table in the backyard and decided it may be the thing. It was too unstable. Shoved my jacket underneath it for stability.
Lay my scarf over the window ledge so as not to hurt my poor thighs of steel. Just as success seemed imminent - a WASP flew by.
I yanked myself out and ran ran ran back into the yard.
Looked again soon ... and a Red Wasp was patrolling next door's garden. I lost my lunch. Not really. I lost my nerve.
Promptly headed back to the yard. Where I pulled a towel over my body and had a yard snooze.
I happened upon a kickass idea. I would pick the lock with my other key.
So I set to work on the screen door - success! No such luck with the main door. Behh.
Tried every screen in the house. Nil luck.
At last I decided I will get into this fucking house and make my time worthwhile, or I will yield to temptation and hang myself in the back shed.
I mounted the table. I set my scarf. I checked for wasps once more (but this time I had a towel covering me).
And manoevred my little ass into that bathroom. Cracking the toilet seat top as I went. But it shouldn't be too hard to replace ... after all I do still need to buy a deluxe toilet seat for mi mother. Maybe a buy one get one free deal will come in handy.
Long story short. Broke in. I have splinters, a broken toilet seat and a new salt.
"A big wooden box, to store all mi junk
For a bit of a laugh I'll have a game of Ker-Plunk."
- Shaggy
Current Location: mi house
Current Music: Shaggy in mi head.
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June 10th, 2008
04:41 pm - a deluxe toilet seat for me mother
I'm sitting IN ME HOUSE. It's dark and empty, almost. Bedford is nearly done. This friday is the final day. The last beautiful day.
I am still so teary/laughy. It's hectic. My emotions are so at the surface.
I've been looking at my lj from 06 and 07 and I've been laughing so much. Especially at the entries where I'm so, so depressed but still making jokes about going to a Luka Bloom concert when I have no idea who that even is. HA.
Brom is here. We gotta get him to Croydon soon.
I NEED AN IRON.
I NEED AN IRON.
I WANT AN IRON IN ME ROOM
TO MAKE MY PANTS LOOK NICE.
Hahahahaha.
Shaggy is so funny. I think I may actually have done some wee just then as I laughed at him.
I can't believe it has been nine months for me and A-row-nee Gibbs.
My name is Russ-Tee. I used to be an attractive dash-end.
I am tired. I got up at half past six. Sad. It is getting dark in here.
I am in debt.
I think I am too tired and irritated by the laptop to make any prolonged entry ...
watched Sweeney Todd last night.
Had an awesome party on the weekendz, and a yummy intense sunday morning with my intense boyfriend.
Apparently Danny is coming over tonight to make dinner, how awesome.
We need some couches/beanbags. Bags of beans.
I should go to Croydon since I've been at Bedford all day doing nothing. I am mastering that art.
Current Location: Bedford loungeroom ...
Current Mood: laughing at shaggy
Current Music: shaggy
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March 5th, 2008
06:59 pm
don't talk
don't have an opinion
quiet, dainty, demure.
be a precious little thing.
quiet and lovely and not high maintenance.
accepting, loving, silent.
quiet, dainty, demure.
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March 3rd, 2008
01:13 pm
worthless
too sensitive
no enthusiasm
too much
will steal your energy
not worth your time
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March 2nd, 2008
08:24 pm - BOOTIE!
HEEE. Old photo from the end of high school. Look at dem ponytails. Look at dem blonde streaks.
Matt is having a snooze before work. Aariny just finished his shit. Brom just came into the room. Rah next to me. Aaroniii is asleep on the futon and he has soup next to him that I can't be bothered waking him up to eat. I just yelled his name. No response.
I have this audition, possibly on friday ... I've had a weird few days, trying to spend time with Aaron for so long but it just won't happen, I keep trying and trying and it's not working, and now he's asleep ... then work tomorrow and most likely he's going home tomorrow ... I guess I should stop expecting anything to work and then I'll stop being disappointed.
I'm sick, have an infection ... throat infection, it's been ages since I've had one. Haven't even been smoking. Not since like ... last friday when I smoked heaps on my trip around my house. Mm. All the water.
I'm watching So You Think You Can Dance. I wish I'd been able to see Marnie last night. Would've been Marnie Gras. Lolz. I was just too fucked. Bed called.
I HATE NATALIE BASSINGTHWAITE'S PRESENTING. HATE IT.
LEARN THAT PITCHING YOUR VOICE HIGH CONSTANTLY IS STUPID.
I am a tiny bit drunk.
I might try waking Aaron yet again. Good luck bitch.
Current Location: Bedford loungeroom ...
Current Music: so you think you can dance
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January 31st, 2008
03:29 pm
i've been meaning to update for so long. or at least get some record written down of whats happening with me and aaron.
hmmmm
but then whenever i get the motivation im somewhere else
my armhurts and i cant be bothered tyhinking
fuck this
i hate everything
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January 9th, 2008
10:52 pm - bluebirds bright
I am sitting in my lounge room. It has been a very long time since I updated. Aaron is making muffins. Aarin is doing a wee. Matty went to work for the big night shift.
I went to Poppy's on monday night and watched Candy. It upset me a lot and I cried.
Also I think if I plan on having children I need to stay away from films or footage of womyn giving birth.
It makes me too angry about what womyn have to go through and makes me very nauseous when I think about how messed up my bits could get. I've heard stories. Many. Eurgh. I want my clit to stay intact.
Aariny has just come into the loungeroom with a huge bowl of neopolitan ice cream in a bowl which has fake dripping "ice cream" on the sides of the bowl ... lolz@ Rah's gimmick bowls and plates.
I saw a rat today in Victoria Park. It ws the cutest. It ran across the path and then I shouted RATTY at it and it ran away from the bread it was eating. I then dumped the bread near it and set up to meet Aaronii as he played his rittre drum.
I'm obsessed with the swallow//bluebird tattoo image. I want it so bad. Aaron smells like baked beans.
I just smelt his hands, and they smell like raw eggs. Not my raw eggs though. They're all in my ovaries. Except the one I just expelled. That's trapped in a tamp.
Aarin just looked at me with the cutest smile as he had a mouthful of ice cream. He's being so cute telling me how he joined an entrepreneur group on facebook. I just told him I accidentally put my fingers in my vagina and accidentally had an orgasm. He laughed profusely.
I can't wait until WINTER. That will be terrific.
Me and Aaron had a big email argument yesterday. It was fucked up and I was fucked up and said sorry. It's okay though. I'm learning to stop being a shit.
Apparently Poppy signed us up for bigpond movies and signed us up for Cannibal the Musical. That sounds a bit funny.
I have a pain on my right stomach area. I want it to be appendicitis so I can go to hopsical and get an operation but Aaron wants to sleep, so I'm not allowed.
Rah and Shelagh just sensed muffins. So we will give them some of the product of our bake-off.
I have lost some fat as a result of dieting for three days. I will continue and I will lose more fat until I have lost nine kilos.
Aariny just told me how his dick came out in the pool at the Marriott hotel.
NUMBERS ONE!
EMPORIO!
Strongbow strongbow, strongbow strongbow in my mouth.
Bromley orgasm, bromley orgasm bromley orgasm in my mouth.
Prinny prinny, prinny prinny on my pillow.
Dende Dende, Dende Dende in my sambo ...
Guess what happened the other day?
Oh, I was going to say. But now I can't.
i <3 Seags.
Seags is the shit.
Current Location: Bedford loungeroom ...
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Aarin's arsehole melodies
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September 10th, 2007
08:33 pm
<center><table background="#FFFFFF" border="0" style="border: 1px solid black;"width="450"><td align="center">
<b><font size="+1">emma-ee --</font></b><br />
<font size="+1">[noun]:</font> <br /><br />A poltergeist sent back in time to change the course of history forever
<br /><br />
<a style="color: #FF0000;" href="http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3LnF1aXpnYWxheHkuY29tL3F1aXoucGhwP2lkPTgz">'How will you be defined in the dictionary?'</a> at <a href="http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3LnF1aXpnYWxheHkuY29t" style="color: #FF0000;">QuizGalaxy.com</a></td></table></center>
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July 25th, 2007
08:51 pm - totally overwhelmed with some beautiful things
There's something really happy where I am as well as really ... empty. I really have to go ... find myself. I can really feel the need now. I'm such a little cosy whore, sitting in my soft little round house and not going into the cold. Makes me sick.
There is an opportunity. Force yourself BETCH, do itttt. THIS LIFE IS YOURS BETCH! BETCH!
I think I need a motivation muffin from Cunningham Muffins. And maybe a knowledge and experience muffin.
I feel so much like a little pulpy mould, that just hasn't been modelled into anything. Just nothing. BLERH. Just a few shallow patches of things sewn together to make it look like I'm a complete person. I REALLY GENUINELY FEEL LIKE WRETCHING.
COMFORT?
FUCK COMFORT!!
WHEATGRASS?
FEET GRASS!!!
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July 13th, 2007
02:17 am
lolz. my lj status sez i updated an hour ago. but thas difffffferent,.
im by myself now.
do you know wat im doiung
i have two condiments next to me
sweet mustard picccckles
and vegggemite
and
im personifying them both
a battle
who will win me?
lolz
for some reason i keep willing sweet mustard pixxxx not to leave
goddamn prick
always leavezzz
but vege
always here
bahhh'whatevz
enjoy both
blah bkah
but please come visit me?!?!?!
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12:51 am
hello communiy. me and aari ae in my bed,
aari is drinking white wine,
and yes. i am going to light up. here is aari.
we had cheerful times tonnight at regina.
and we are a little bit drunkies.
Today we bought Glamourous Things. glitter and the like.
Shopping is fun especially with an excellent piggy with pink thin ears. (that are attached)
----
aarin is now smoking my cig.
i wont read what he wrote
i will leave it to read
later
i am feeling pretty cool
wonderful feeling
having someone who i love
who lovs me
my bets friend
i can be so drunk
and not even worry if i fuck upo
a picyure of aarin DRUNK is next to me
on my wall
back to aarinm
i want my CIG BACK
=
IT BREAKS MY HEAR-A-A-A-A-A--A-A-A-A-ART
. we are young. and strong,
i am just quoting songs now.
i feel lame as. I am shaking cause im cold.
i am pissing now. goodbye cruel world
i hated how that guy said that in vrgin suices. im sure asarin did too eh
ok
love
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July 8th, 2007
11:01 pm - tetra my love
I'm just not sure how to approach this. It's pretty odd, the whole situation.
I had a really hardcore shift tonight, queue factor 10000. I finished at ten, and I start at 6.30am. Tim drove me home though, which was sweet as, because waiting for a bus would've been a bitch and a half.
I got drunk last night, for the first time in a week. It was good. Patrique. Ginger Alliance.
I have a longing. I have a longing. Long longing.
Tetra was so sweet to me. Held my gaze with her angular features. The shapes she made when she moved, breathtaking. The colour of her, the sheer way she fitted together, and slipped away ...
Am I getting a little too addicted to tetris?
Current Location: tetris
Current Mood: tetris
Current Music: tetris
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01:17 am - hair trilogy
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
man tis awesome when wondrous artists make comment on your hair!! and sign posters for you!!
patrick wolf. <3
i am tired. i may sleep now.
nobody will visit me. they're all LAME as fuck. filthy lamos.
but i have a poster that Keong fixd up for me. and a ssetlist. KEONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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July 4th, 2007
05:43 pm - i want to see bubbles in the house
Hmmmm. I've been ignoring RADIOHEAD for far too long. Reminds me of year ten hanging out.
Oh my gosh and the Smiths is so last year. Insane. Man last year was fucked. Way too much happened. INSANE.
VICAR IN A TUTU.
Who comes sliding down the bannister?!?!?
I feel good. Who knows why. I've eaten well today. And also, I won't drink. Ha. I'm going to try RILLLY hard not to binge 3 times a week anymore. Brom wants dinner. Ag Aarin won't get out of bed. GET UP. As Ms ... Gilbert would say. PACK UP!
This morning there was blood in my ear. ? What's that mean? Maybe all the shit I have to listen to is taking its toll.
I spoke to a man today at work whose wife died two days ago. He was only young too. Man. And he was worrying about all the trips he'd made to and from the hospital on the M7. Fuck.
Is that thunder or what??
Oh my gosh I so didn't just realise the connection ... there was blood in the ear I always use to listen at work ... the one that gets sore!! Oh wow. Maybe I go to doctor. Far out.
I just ate two GREEN sandwiches. Avo, cuc, sprouts. YUM. AHH I must fix my gastro intestinal system. NO. MORE. SHITTY. FOOD. GREEEN. Maybe I buy cleansng green tea.
I want to go to another intense gig like Placebo. Were you get thrown around and the music is so fucking ridiculously loud. I wish I was taller like Marnie/Anna/Aarin ... I totally nearly died in that pit ... and they were all safe ... how did Feebs and Sez do it?? They're not tallies ... Ha ask them months too late ...
THERE'S GONNA BEEEE AN ACCIDENTTTT
Fucking meds totally crush sexual ability. It makes me feel pathetic. I haven't had any for a few days due to running out, and SURPRISE SURPRISE, my ability is BACK. I'm going to go buy some now, and I'm going back to half, then WEANING. I don't need to feel like an orgasmless old invalid, thanks.
Ima feed Brom and wake Aarin up .....
Current Music: poor little fat boy
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July 1st, 2007
02:40 am - the twist in my skeletal structure
I know you mean well. But you stunt and cramp who I should've been. Who I should be by now. And I'm very bitter.
I went to Phoebe's 19th last night. I met some really wonderful people. Really wonderful. Why do those kids have so many connections to awesome people? Just end up hitting it off with people at that house. Stayed up until 1pm today, fell into bed and woke up five hours later ... now it's 2.45am, and I should sleep but can't really ... I found these two lines from a tiny little silly verse entry I wrote a while back
In that post-fuck silence ...
That lasts and lasts ...
I read it and it smacked me annoyingly in the forehead repeatedly. Lolz, I did that to people at work drinks on fri nigh ... Bromley is drinking my water! Little shitty cat, wondered what that lapping noise was.
Yes the lines. I just ... hmm. It was lovely to have prolonged hugs last night, I'm so ridiculously addicted and it's not often I meet someone who'll indulge my obsession and has an equally intense obsession. Beautiful.
I'm so unsure as to where I want to head right now, and I'm scared I'm missing out on something. That is SUCH a constant fear of mine, and always has been. One of my biggest. It's funny because it makes you freeze and therefore experience nothing and miss out on everything. I'm so ... high maintenance, in order for things to work out, I just read this in an old entry as well, I need to "fulfill a complcated web" of little tick-box rituals. I just made this pathetic food because Aarin forgot to buy my staple fundamental baked beans; pizza sauce and a bit of capsicum inside bread inside a toasted sandwich maker. It was good. I need more juice. I have none though.
Nicotine, lexapro, crystal, marijuana, ecstasy and alcohol.
Bloody Queens of the Stone Age are on rage ... ug ug ug. PEUTCH even. I hung out with two other wrangas last night, that was cool. Work tomorrow ... only a late shift, so I can sleep in ... I feel odd, I suppose my system still isn't back to normal. I should have a sleep, but I'd love to take a big drink up to bed with me. I haven't slept in that bed for ... so long ... well since last week, but Erin was in there with me. So that's not the same. I haven't slept alone for so long. Always down with Aarin. For some kind of security. As well as the practical fact that I like to share doonas with him, therefore we bot get double the warmth. My room is cold too, a draft creeps in.
Maybe I'll wake up in a few hours and flash Mark as he goes by on the train. Oh no, 'tis sunday tomorrow. Therefore I have no 7am appointment on my balcony, but instead an appointment with my fucked up dreams. Matt was telling me about his dreams tonight. I was incredibly intrigued by the intense similarities and complete stark differences between his and my own.
Post-fuck silence. Breathing the same air. Fitted together.
When Juniper and Fifi were young, and their bones were pliable and soft, they met. They loved each other intensely and they held each other through the years. Their pliable bones shaped over time into each others' so they fitted together perfectly.
They've stopped growing now. But their bones are still shaped into each other, within the coil of their marrow, and can't be changed back. These years were the growing years, and it's irreversible.
Current Location: my lounge room
Current Mood: awake
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June 21st, 2007
12:50 pm
I am going to see Swan Lake tonight. I'm a bit stressed about what I'm wearing. I can't find my grey dress anywhere.
I'm becoming reliant on gender lj communities the way I used to be with veganism. Questions galore. Answers galore. Relating to people galore.
I've gotten all down again =(
But I have my coping mechanisms. Coffee. Hearing Aarin breathe while he sleeps. Squishing Bromley. Going to look at beautiful nekkid birls. Droool.
I had better go and get ready. I might go steal some more of Leila's coffee. I'll replace it. HA, I've already done that once.
Why aren't I picking up? Straight after my period I usually feel terrifs. I'm too analytical.
My sister just called me. Apparently Tom's been backing up all my stuff on the computer which is nice and all ... but when you go through someone's PERSONAL shit you can expect to see stuff that's PERSONAL. i.e. naked photos. If I haven't even had a chance to touch any of it, of course there's going to be stuff in there that's weird!!! Anyway apparently now he doesn't respect me or some shit. I don't get it. It's my stuff ... how can you hold that against me ...
How upsetting, I haven't had anyone feel so blergh about me for a long time. Feels like year eight when you have little fights. Sux.
Agh well I'd better fux offz.
Current Location: lounge room
Current Mood: tense
Current Music: aarin's sleep breathing
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June 20th, 2007
11:16 am - my lovely lady cunt
I knew I'd find flaw with my titling. This is such a laugh. I can't be a bigender homo, because I'd definitely fuck a trans man as a woman. Most likely a trans woman as a man too. And vice versa.
The flaws.
This ache sometimes is so unbearable. Last night the longing to look down and just see hair on my belly was intense. I see Aarin and Matt's stomachs and when I touch them it's hard for me.
This post T post-op picture brought pleasure to my heart.
( trans man post-op )
The entire gallery is amazing, just through T biologically female genitals can resemble males. It's amazing how the vag and the penis/sack are just morphed versions of each other ... in the womb they start exactly the same before the penis lengthens or the clit becomes a clit.
http://www.blight.com/~cr/cock.html
A bit obsessed with it all at the moment I suppose.
But I love what I have.
It's so half half. Equally as intense.
I guess all the QAF is bringing it to the forefront.
I got sent home from work. Baahhh.
...
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May 19th, 2007
05:32 pm
Opening night tonight. Exciting and rather scary. I totes don't want to fuck it. I'm listening to i dreamed a dream right now. I just added it to my profile. I don't think I like how slow it is.
Anyway.
I feel slightly sick again.
Damn phantom flu Aarin and I both have.
Stay away until my vaccination on the 25th you bitch!!!!
It's ten dollars from work. Yay.
Ah-ah-ah, ooh, and still I dream he'll come to meeeee, that we will live the years together, but there are dreams that cannot be, and there are storms we cannot weather, do do do do, I had a dream my life would beee, so different from this hell I'm living, so different now from what it seemed, now life has killed the dream I dreeeeeeeamed.
I just typed that at the same rate she sung it, lolz, included typo correction.
Off to get ready for musicale.
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ammalouithe's journal