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I can't believe I still can't get my head around my head. Last… - glum dolls sew inside

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August 1st, 2013

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03:56 pm

I can't believe I still can't get my head around my head.
Last night I was drawing, playing music, singing, watching movies and reading. I didn't want to go to sleep. I was in a really good space. Distractable as fuck as per usual, but DOING, not just thinking. Nice simple things. Poppy said the other night maybe I don't WANT anything else, maybe I only want the little pleasures. Well maybe but then why do I beat myself up for not having achieved more? Plus she also scoffed at the idea of me being energetic which was mean and offensive and a bit saddening given that my true apathy is actually quite young. I used to have dreams and ambitions, not so long ago. I still do, I'm just coming around to the idea that I'll probably never do any of it because I'm lazy, and because I can deconstruct the purpose of anything I desire down to nothing. And can skip through the experience to the end and see that the end ain't even that great. And that even if I did study and get a job that gave me a heap of money I'd still have to work like a sucker for it and be around people.
Today a couple of things triggered me and now I'm BLEAK AS FUCK. I hate myself and everyone and everything, I just want some space and time and for everyone to go away, except for the minimum amount of people I consciously make space for in my head.
Social elimination diet: eliminate all people except the bare minimum. Gradually add people back in over the course of a year. When one irritates you, eliminate it entirely. When you reach your threshold, stop. Repeat.


Now I'm at work and I'm supposed to be training. So I'll have to concentrate. Yesterday I found this so impossible I asked to leave. My head. Is so. Damn foggy. I hate myself for fucking my body over and getting the virus and the fatigue and the aching body. It's actually so fucking humorous and messed up that I was already struggling and then I got more tired, sore, sick and apathetic and depressed. A recipe for a great life.
The reason it's so sad is because I'm still holding out hope. Started a diet this week to try and fix things.  Already bored and annoyed and hate everything. Nothing works. I wish I didn't hate social interactions.

(2 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:August 13th, 2013 10:18 am (UTC)
Did I really scoff at your wanting to be energetic? I don't recall this. Sorry, it must've been a thoughtless throwaway comment on my part. You should've said I was being mean and I would have shut up! Hope you're having some good quality relaxation time babes, sorry to hear about Harvey, too.. x
[User Picture]
Date:August 17th, 2013 11:07 am (UTC)

Yeah it was an instant reaction when I said I was intrigued by the possibility that I could be energetic. You laughed and then said sorry, but then said even if I was physically energetic you thought I'd still be apathetic. I was really surprised and didn't know where to start saying how wrong I thought that was, so I just said I didn't think so and moved on. The conversation just came up in my stream of consciousness when I was writing this entry.

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