September 15th, 2013
As soon as I realised that everything I did revolved around how it would look to an outsider looking at me, I started disabling it in my brain. I was really disturbed by the idea that my choices, desires, ambitions, the way I spent my time, was all governed by how I'd appear, either to strangers, my friends, distant acquaintances I held in high esteem, etc.
I feel like I've reached a point where I'm close to not giving a shit about how I appear and where I'm mainly interested in impressing myself. I want to see who I can be. I still check in with how I might appear from the outside, but mostly I want things to be good for myself.
It's weird though because the ego seems to be where a lot of successful, ambitious people work from. I suppose the idea of having money and being comfortable and having agency over your life through financial independence are all big factors too, but I think lots of people have this desire to do things to impress. Especially artists. I wonder how many creative people are driven by their need to EXPRESS, vs IMPRESS.
I'm interested in where the line should be since ego is a helpful entity, which should be observed and not taken too seriously, and used where necessary, but which shouldn't govern everything. But I've always been very all-or-nothing so maybe that's why I'm having a problem choosing FUCK OFF EGO or HEY EGO. I guess it's just a case of remembering to come back to my own desires, my own feelings, my own needs. Plus, if you ignore the ego and don't do what it directs you to do, and then you see someone else doing said thing, and you feel pain because you've decided not to do that because it's your ego talking, YOUR EGO STILL TALKS! And is pained because you haven't indulged it. And where is the difference between the egotistical desire and the genuine desire? It's all experimentation I suppose.
It's weird though because another big one for me is parenthood. Why the fuck do people want to be parents? Parenthood is an ego trip.
I mean I'm kind of interested in experiencing having a child. But from other people's discussion I get this idea that they want to have children because it's some kind of ego boost, or a status symbol, I'm a parent, I'm capable, I'm in charge. They build their identity around being a spouse/parent and it's supposed to be impressive.
I'm not impressed. Having children is selfish. There is no unselfish reason to breed. It's all well and good to have them but don't pretend it's anything to be proud of. It's probably the most basic thing a human can do. Eat, fuck, breed. Plus, it's highly likely you'll take your egotistical narcissistic messed up insecure bullshit out on your child without realising it, fucking them up for good. It's pretty inevitable if you're not self aware.
Your need to have children = your need for them to meet SOME SORT of criteria.
You're gonna fuck em up. You're gonna leave it up to them to work that shit out. Maybe they will and they'll break the cycle and won't have children OR MORE RARELY they'll have children and they'll actually be equipped and capable enough to bring them up without passing on the bullshit (UNLIKELY).
ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE SOMETHING? TO WHOM? This is an important question to ask oneself in the face of any kind of life decision aka having a partner/marrying a partner/breeding. Who's in the back of your mind watching your success? Who are you keen to show that you can be successful and have a happy relationship and have children who are also successful? If the answer is anyone, you should think again, you derp.
Impress yourself first. Anyone else shouldn't matter or at most should be a bonus.
I've narrowed down these shadow people and I know who I'm trying to impress in the back of my brain. I'm actively working on sweeping them out.
Knowing you're working from a space where you wish to impress yourself and not others in an ego boost in itself.
This shit is inescapable.