Everything hurts today.
At some point over the last while I swapped thinking 'I am shit and everyone else is better than me' for 'I am experiencing self-loathing'. I may have stepped back and become the observer but that doesn't alter the fact that I'm still having the experience. Still fucked. Still can't find a way out.
Tiny minute unimportant details of people's doings or sayings stick with me and prove to me I'm not as good or smart or in the know or accomplished or driven or capable as the other person. Which these days tends to be my gf. Little things she does or says. Things she knows that I don't. Are insults to me.
Why does this happen to me in relationships? Why am I less bothered by other people being better than me but partners are just this huge head fuck to me?
The only thing that works is distraction and that only works for so long before I come back to this feeling. I feel cold, sad, empty, alone, and that I'm too fucked up. I'm sick of the endless cycle of shit.
I've made an appointment with a psych for next month. But that's so far away and of course I'll feel great on that day and not be able to convey the worst of anything.
I feel blocked. There is so much fear standing in my way. So so so much. I live my life in fear. I am constantly angered and insulted by other people's agreement on things that I disagree with, or their knowledge that I don't have, or their vast experience which is proof of how much smarter or how much more driven they are. I am an ignorant lump of nothing. I don't know how to do anything. But I'm not willing to admit that and allow myself to grow because that would be even more insulting and angering. And I can't find the line between the things I need to break down and get over because I'll never grow if I don't, and the things that are acceptable to hold onto because they're protecting me and why the fuck should I have to make life even harder for myself?
The things that fuck with me aren't going away. So I have had to learn to look away and deny them. Why are some things okay to look away and deny but other things aren't? Why can't I construct my own reality? If I lived what I believe I'd be a vegan anarchist in a squat. But I don't want that so I look away and deny certain realities for my own comfort's sake. But I try to do that with things that fuck with me but they just come up anyway. I have no coping mechanisms and I'm too angered by the fact that I even have to deal with this shit.
I'm bothered by the idea of her telling me it's okay to feel this way, because then that would render all my fear and pain useless and a waste of time and life. I'm bothered when other people admit their ignorance because I go to such lengths to deny my own.
Also work sucks and it's cold and sad.