July 24th, 2013
I don't have the patience to desire anything long enough for it to actually happen.
Therefore I never achieve anything.
It's happened, I'm now just rocking back and forth hating every caller and every moment at work. It is because I've been feeling shit because I'm pov and lazy and have been eating badly. But it's also just that I'm dying from whoring out so much of my time.
I am ENDURING every moment of every weekday. Waking up, getting ready, walking to station, the disgusting peak hour trains, work and then the reverse on the way home. I constantly imagine stabbing myself. I'm so angry. I have no desire for any social activity. Only rest, and claiming some time and space back to myself. I can't stand the idea of waking up tomorrow and doing it all again.
All enduring, no enjoying. Everything is terrible.
July 21st, 2013
need more things to be better than or at least equal in goodness to the idea of them please
July 5th, 2013
Everything feels new. I feel like I'm in uncharted territory.
June 11th, 2013
Visualise stabbing yourself instead of the fuckwits that exist around you
Visualise stabbing yourself to relieve the rage that is peak hour commuting
June 8th, 2013
Feeling so good today, and I'm hungover. Bizarre! I had such a good night at trashfield, got wasted but DIDN'T END UP
PASSED OUT BY MIDNIGHT! Also this hangover is oh so manageable because I drank stoli, why have I not just been sticking to good quality spirits ... They're the way to go for a non hellish next day. Then I got up this morning and came to Parramatta for a pleasant bogan family lunch!
Feeling good and functional after a night of drinking ... I am so confused.
June 3rd, 2013
I don't necessarily seek to change myself. Just to understand.
May 27th, 2013
Lining up dates with friends has improved my grim mindspace
Desperately seeking new perspectives
Mood modes: a) bored/depressed/listless/numb b) melancholic, actively sad, despair, crying, overwhelmed, hopeless c) motivated and excited about something that's GOING TO happen
May 24th, 2013
The magic's gone.
I feel like I haven't been able to think properly since I've been fatigued. I feel like my head's stuffed full of cotton. I feel foggy. I feel like I start to get to the core of a thought and my mind stops. It's claustrophobic. It's frustrating. It's like being able to hear something and every time I turn to see it it's gone. Or, something's stopping me from turning it.
I'm trying to think about what I want and why. I'm trying to work out my next moves in life. But I can't pinpoint a reason to do anything. I don't know what my values are.
This is one reason why my existence is currently 'boring'.</p>
I used to be capable of detecting desires, reasons behind them, and plans to achieve. Now I don't give enough of a shit. I know I SHOULD, and that only makes me stressed on top of bored. So I've fucked off with should and am just plodding along without judging myself ... But I'm trapped. Because I can't think through the fog.
I'm trying to work out the intention underlying my desires. I can't justify acting on something that rests on an unstable foundation.
WHY do you want to study certain things?
WHAT am I actually interested in?
Does my being have a blueprint, desires which if fulfilled will bring me joy? Or could I find joy in just about anything?
Sick of this game. Sick of spending hours trying to work out what I want from life and what to study and what I am.
May 13th, 2013
I've fallen in love at first sight with so many women this past week.
It's just come to me, why it annoyed me so much that he sent me the link, saying it's one of the most real things he's ever read and relates to ...
It's because he's never asked me about my dark feelings, what it's like. What I feel or think. It's like he's wanted to deny them, because he wants to deny his own. I've been pretty accepting of that. Who am I to tune people into how shit things can be? But I have felt censored, and offended, when I've tried to point out his disconnection with his negative feelings, and how this affects him badly, and have been met with enormous resistance. Sending me that and saying it's so a 'real' is justifiably infuriating.
I'M real. My feelings are real. My dark feelings and your dark feelings. The ones you've separated yourself from, and consequently me. This is possibly the largest factor in us not working. Do you not see that?
Maybe less blood and cramps is somehow correlated with working less/stressing less in the last month ... before working at Iku I never had really painful periods consistently. Standing up all day does play a factor, I'm sure.
Yesterday was a good day. The night before I'd found myself in an immobile state lying in bed with no motivation for my coping mechanisms and with a strange bitter ache like when you're going through a break-up. But I let myself sleep for like ten minutes and when I woke up it had cleared a bit. I ended up doing some little drawings of an idea I had a while ago of a little character with birds for eyes. This little drawing was a huge victory for my lil brain. Went to sleep content.
Then yesterday had a really good day with Mum, took her to Sadhana, got mains, drinks, coffees and desserts. Ended up in a big d & m on the way back home and sat in my loungeroom talking for a while after. It gave me hope, because I think one of the biggest things I worry about now is her not moving on and making her life better. But I feel like she will. And the conversation seemed to show me that the rest of my life as an adult with my Mum can be good, and we can be friends, and thinks can heal. She said sorry for being a psycho bitch.
Sean sent me a text saying he got a callback for Rent... for some reason after the night before, finding myself wallowing, being annoyed at him for sending that link, feeling bad when he apologised, accidentally ending up reading all the entries on here about our times together last year, and falling into a hopeless mess ... For some reason the text was some kind of positive symbol. Of friendship perhaps. I'm not sure.
Then Jess talked to me on fb about our folkies conversation and that seemed to really lighten the load of that too.
Poured my blood on a baby palm, it was a lot less this month, and somehow more stagnant or something. My cramps were rather nonexistent. I'm confused.
May 11th, 2013
My head hurts from this day of thoughts and feelings
There's something amiss. A connection between everything that I'm not seeing yet.
I simultaneously love and hate people. I simultaneously detest and crave ambition. I wish to connect and yet I feel connection is futile. I'm feeling the need to connect and love, but I have so little to go around.
Perhaps if I show myself more attention and interest I will become more attentive and interested in everything else.
Systematically try everything you have some interest in so when you say everything's shit you can either mean it or know there are exceptions.
The rage. It's obviously because I've felt like I'm not allowed to express my own feelings that life is utterly shit but in the context of some blog someone made it's palatable for people. It's a result of my own unexpressiveness. Pretending you're as excited about life as your friends and co workers is pretty unsustainable. I know it's a positive thing, this disinterest in everything. It's breaking down illusions. It's ceasing to believe that being successful, beautiful, talented, interesting, will make you happy. I'm not striving for those things anymore. I'm striving for the least amount of discomfort I can manage, and that's about it. I've changed to a sedentary office job. I've taken to reading and watching Daria in my comfy bed, with tea. I don't seek social anything very much. I'm fearful of company because I'm afraid of having to act like anything other than disinterested, bored, me. I do enough of that at work. I don't need it in my downtime. I want to be alone so I can just be.
People keep asking me to invite them over. No.
I told Sean the circulating of that blog made me feel weird. He said sorry. Now I feel horrible. He doesn't mean anything bad. Why am I so goddamn resentful. I know why. It's because I don't believe he was fair. Though I know he never meant to hurt me. Then again, neither did the person who cheated on me and lies about it. Or my parents. Or anyone who's ever fucked me over. People never mean to. But they do.
Generally I gain some solace in either a) discussing it with them and mutual understanding (I think I'm pretty fucking diplomatic) or b) writing them off as a fuckwit. Sean hasn't fallen into either category. This is problematic.
Sean has been a headfuck for much longer than my other exes. Eurgh. I'm over it.
I just saw the message again. 'Sorry about that'. I hate myself.
Anyway I'm going to have to do the Artists Way. If it works a lot of my problems are going to be relieved. If it doesn't, well, that's going to be pretty bad. My non expression of how I view the world is my reason for dysphoria. I'm coming out. I'm relatively new in this mindspace, up until 2011 I was still under the impression that I could be one of those happysparklefairyhippies who spread love and joy wherever they go. I just wasn't trying hard enough. Since acknowledging that no, I'm actually quite melancholic, thoughtful, depressed, suicidal, grounded, sad, angry, heavy, I've found A LOT of peace. I actually can't express how much less of a burden life is. Though the knowledge that there's merit to the idea that despair is very real and not existing would be better, obviously comes with its own new set of burdens. But less than pretending.
So now I can focus on me, now that I don't care about being beautiful or successful or a sparklechild. So focus bitch. It's time to express the milk. Your tits are heavy with woe. Express it so that next time someone else does you're not so pissed. It's like sluts not admitting they're sluts and then being pissed when another slut admits they are. Except I'm not annoyed by the expression, I'm heartened by anything that echoes my thoughts and feelings ... I'm annoyed by the fact that people relate to it but won't let that be their reality. It is my reality. It isn't just my reality when I see it expressed well by someone else; I have to try and express it to myself, through thoughts, on here, just so I can read it back and read something that I can relate to.
Rage. That you sent me that blog like you get it. You get it?! You get depth of emotion being so intensely painful that it inevitably breaks into numbness and the realisation that no one is coming to save you, its not going to get better, it is boring, and depressing, and terrible, and optimism becomes the dirtiest word, and happiness becomes a joke, and the tiniest impulse to do anything is immediately followed by the knowledge that it's hopeless. And you live in bored despair. And you remember the exact moment you realised all of this and that you'd rather opt out if only there was a way that didn't involve affecting anyone.
I don't remember the last time I felt so insulted before that conversation with Jess at Folkies. Boredom isn't allowed; you can't accept your depression and boredom. Even though accepting it made for the most positive festival experience I've had in two years. Even though accepting it allowed me to feel peace. No, do things. Make them interesting. Do, do, do.
Fuck this clusterfuck
I haven't read that new hyperbole and a half blog that everyone's circulating, I read the first one last year and loved it. But I just can't look at something that every one is circulating and saying that they relate to, when I feel I'm in turmoil so often and have no one to relate to that. You relate to hopelessness and despair? Then why aren't you talking about it? Why do you wait for someone to make a comic and then re post it saying how much you relate? Fuck you.
May 9th, 2013
Also, the same posts from 2 months ago complained about not having time to think. I recall that very clearly as it was like that only last week. Now, with less hours and less franticness, I have time to think. This presents its problems. I have a fucking landmine every two steps in my head. But I'm thinking, with less interruption. And this is positive.
Just read back on some older entries. Entries from 2 months ago saying I need a new house, a new job, and to be creative. In two months I have done all three, have started a habit of always reading a book, am taking classical singing lessons, and have started staying calmer by breathing and not allowing my body to go into the stressed space that tires the living fucking essence of it.
Fucking well done bitch.
Shit. My body is not used to sitting still all day in an office. I feel like I'm in school again being told not to fidget.
May 7th, 2013
I've been having horrible nightmares. I think it's the b6. Typical, I find something that eases my effed up pms and it gives me edged up dreams. And makes me wake up in fear and not be able to sleep.
Also nauseous. Felt so nasty today by the end of 'training' ... So boring and irritating I could have vomited. Also in Brisbane I felt like vomiting. It feels like it's from chemicals or exposure to something toxic. But it passes. Also, I am so cold, all the time, at work, at home ... When I first go to bed I'm freezing under two doonas with flannelette pajamas on. Then I wake up from a nightmare hours later super hot. Which obviously doesn't make for great dreams either.
My teeth have been so sensitive in the last month too, it's fucked, they throb after I have a cold drink or tea or anything. Living in my body has just gotten so damn uncomfortable. I'm always itchy in bed too, I don't feel like my room is set up in a way conducive to relaxation, I'm always irritated/cold in bed ... But the room is so fucking small I have very few options as to how to arrange it ...
I'm going to quit circus, I loathe being there with my aching, sore, exhausted dysfunctional body. Going back to get the referral to the rheumatologist tomorrow.
Pms was way more manageable this month. Probably the b6, magnesium, zinc, and the fact that I was up in Brisbane and not at work getting pissed at customers ..
Going to try 1200mg a day of calcium next month, and quit the stupid nightmarish b6. I have read good things about calcium for pms.
I really hope this job turns out well for me. I had faith but lost a little today, though it's probably just because listening to calls is far worse than taking them.
Anyway training was canceled tomorrow so I'll have a day to regain some balance.
Put some autumn branches in a bottle in my room last night, they look so lovely and make the room feel much nicer ... Pity I will have to move it around ...
Daria is amazing, I am addicted.
And the Ass saw the Angel is also brilliant.
Aimee moved the Melbourne. I never saw enough of her in Sydney but everything she did was so off my radar, it was hard to catch up without a major effort. I think I'll go visit her soon though.
Trying to work out study plans. Working them around deficient mental and physical health is rather impossible. I need to start some sort of diet program for this Cfs / fibromyalgia business, and do something about my moods. There is a meditation centre in Ashfield. There is also always antidepressants which I'm considering realistically for the first time in years. I've found a few online that don't disrupt sexual function, gotta ask the doctor about them.
Ambition makes me feel so ill sometimes. Why do I have to be so sensitive. The possibility of happiness or even just peace or contentedness hinges upon my ability to ignore, deny or block truths.
April 28th, 2013
I have become a misanthrope.
Almost everything breaks down to nothing in my head, as pointless, gimmicky, or a lie. But the vague knowledge I have of Buddhism does not. Nor does 'nature' (how I detest that shorthand for the richest and most complex of tings) ... I can't argue with a tree. there is no bullshit about it.
Language so often kills any passion I might have for the concept it attempts to represent. Two of the best examples: 'hobbies and interests', 'physical activity'. Scromit.
Listing things I'd love to do turns my interest cold and stale.
I've reconsidered. I am in awe, of people who do life without a great deal of despair.
I wish I had a mentor.
I can't remember the last time anything was better than I could have imagined.</p>
I miss awe.
P.s., I've shown myself that I genuinely like being happy n peaceful. This is greatly disturbing as it means I'm not addicted to being fucked up but still repeatedly find myself so.
Reading n drinking tea in my pajamas on the verandah on a sunny Sunday and I'm not gonna entertain the idea that I should be doing something else or could be out having an adventure.
April 12th, 2013
I found comfort in the idea that I won't be the only person who dies when I do. They'll be a bunch of others exiting at the same time.
Keep feeling so much pain the day after I dream certain things. Dreams will hurt you.
I have anger issues. I saw another side of myself last week. Literally screaming my way home. But with my throat closed so I sounded like some sort of ridiculous demon. When I think about having to gave another day of standing up in myalgic pain serving people I imagine stabbing myself repeatedly in the heart. Gotta get out. Killing my enjoyment of people. Killing my enjoyment of food.
April 8th, 2013
Poured two days' blood onto a lilly pilly tree in the yard. Mixed it with water in a beer bottle and walked around it clockwise saying what I'm letting go of and what I'm embracing. I wonder if it should have been anti for the letting go and clockwise for the embracing. Rituals eh.
My idea of other people's lives depresses me as much as the fact that I'm not living them.
Yes yes I am a psychological nightmare yes.
(just found this in drafts. Dunno when I wrote it or if I posted it... I enjoy reading my own journal. It's nice to see the bullshit articulated)
March 10th, 2013
PLUS i feel like i'm missing something! like everybody is! god this is all such a big joke! why am i living such a shamefully low life? i'm living like a sucker! i feel like i used to know how to think outside the box but i've forced myself into it for survival's sake and now i can't get out! it's claustrophobic! i know i used to know this was all a delusion but i was also incredibly depressed and disenchanted ... now at least i'm more grounded but i don't know how to live by my own ideals!! i don't even know what they are anymore!!! what are they??? create your own world, you know you can!!! but how?? i think i need to meet new people!!! but where, how, and who? i need to unlock myself!! I KNOW I used to be inspired ... where are you?? where's your essence? come on i know you're there!! i know it!! come out!!!! god life requires a lot of organisation!! i'm over it! i just want to cruise ...
i know my creative pursuits will be multi faceted and some sort of hybrid. i know i can't just confine myself to one thing. i feel so GYPPED. all the interests. no clarity. no direction. FUCK. i'm so listless. motivate me!!!!
life is so much bigger than jobs. but my job dominates my life. art and creativity is bigger than institutions and stages and theatres. but it's confined. i desire to conceive art projects which are meaningful and anonymous. like leaving messages for people. like leaving envelopes. ?
nihilism has been incredibly comforting and grounding but also has completely isolated me from ethics which inform actions. it's a strange sort of pergatory and maybe if i was very clever and creative and conceptual i could come up with some sort of ways to express this limbo, of feeling like nothing really matters and nothing means anything. nothing ... means anything. ANYTHING .. can happen. which means ... nothing, CAN happen ... which means ... nothing can't also happen ... which means something can ...
my heart seems to belong nowhere. how can i choose somewhere for it to settle?
how could i possibly be stable enough to pursue any mode of study for a long time? i always just see through it and have to stop and do something else!! it loses its appeal!!
all signs point to the artist's way. now to find the motivation and commitment to put myself through it.
Suddenly it's imperative that I get things on track. I have been living some kind of delusion for a long time that everybody else is more organised or ahead than me. Like I've felt guilty that my parents bought me furniture and appliances. When everybody's parents do that. Like I've felt guilty for not studying ... when plenty of people have done arts degrees or tafe courses which are hardly more admirable. That I should have travelled, or saved ... when not everybody has. Or people that have have had help from their parents. Or went to cheap cheap asia.
I want to envision some sort of a job or career for myself that I can pursue longterm that doesn't make me want to kill myself. I need to also balance this with creative endeavours. I need to change something so that I have more time and energy for creative things. Should I aim to study next semester? Should I find a new job? Should I stay at iku, save, travel? Should I go back to Lismore? Should I go to Endeavour? Find a new job with better hours so that I have more time to do creative things? What type? Dance classes? Piano? Singing? I need a house.
I'm over iku. Over Neutral Bay and the close shift anyway. I need to say something about it. I might message Tomoe tomorrow.
God I feel so lost. I feel like time's ticking by and I'm wasting time ... I also feel like I don't even have time to think. I need to just sit and think about what I want. I need a plan! I don't know how I feel about performing, creative things. I know I'm jealous of others who pursue performance, musicals, etc. But I don't know if I'd REALLY want to do it if I started! I guess the #1 thing that has to change is my job. I can't do anything with it. I can't just decide to go do a musical or a class. Test the waters etc. Okay so I'll message Tomoe tomorrow and tell her I want a change in 3 weeks' time. I'll go to centrelink on friday. I'll call headspace again tomorrow. And I'll call Prudence tomorrow. And a piano teacher. CHANGE NOW KUNT
January 30th, 2013
I gotta say, I'm over elitist couples.
January 4th, 2013
how do I find motivation again? I'm so listless and care about so little. I set myself two goals last year, to earn money and have fun. I earnt money and spent it, and I haven't had much fun. Fail at 2012. I mean that's a pretty simple goal, how could I screw it up so colossally? Is this a clear message that I shouldn't assume being back in Syd is all that? What the hell should I be doing then? I feel like I'm playing a game and can do anything ... Which sounds like it should be somewhat liberating... But actually it's limiting because there are options aplenty and they're all equally as interesting/boring. I really wanted unity. A sense of unity. Perhaps this is the part where I learn to live unity instead of look for it. Feel it within myself rather than pine for particular configurations of people to magically all be available at the same time and to all be interested in doing a particular activity. I just wanna swim, or drive, or adventure, and for all the other beautiful people to want to do it too. Why are these experienced so few and far between these days? When does it get to be my life? How do I navigate this shit? How do I make my world a little smaller and more concentrated and rich? Right now I'm looking at everything from far away and it's blurry and vague and borin. I want to zero in, but the idea of choosing something over another scares the shit out of me. So I sit in the line that's between as many things as possible. I can see everything from here, but I'm not doing anything. Jump! Jump into one of the shapes around you you idiot. You can always change things if you don't like them... I think I'm just terrified of making the same mistakes more than once. Like moving back north... If that failed, again, I'd be so pissed at myself. I'd have to be so, so sure of my intentions. Life is easier in a lot of ways when you have a partner, an adventure buddy. They're there to do awesome things with, to actualise dreams with. It's harder to engage others in the same way, and perhaps I don't want others anyway. God last year was so disjointed, everyone was so dispersed, I felt like there was no community of friends, it was shit. Should I just fuck off again? I know I need to clarify my goals and pursue them because living waiting for an imaginary community is getting me nowhere. Fuck headspace for never calling me back about seeing my old psychologist. Fuck you you fuckwit dipshits. This is my life you're playing with. I need to bounce ideas of someone. Fuck you!