Same shit year after year
I live from fear, insecurity
I hate myself and I hate the world
I can't escape myself and I don't know how to change
Don't even know if i want to, I'm trying to protect myself from the world I can't actively want to let down my guard and let the world in. It's never resulted in anything positive
Inescapable fear, inescapable anger, inescapable self loathing, inescapable defense, annoyance, insecurity, feeling stupid, invalid, GUILT, vagueness, not knowing what I want, not feeling, not wanting, being overwhelmed, being a disappointment, being stuck being me, hating myself, my voice, words, actions, choices, vulnerability, hating my vulnerability
Same shit year after year
Just realised 'feel' in English is a verb we don't conjugate adverbs with but we use adjectives instead, like I feel happy instead of I feel happily. It's like 'to feel' is assumed to be the same as 'to be'.
It's supposed to be within your own power to change things for the better and make your life more fulfilling.
What if you've done that and there is solid tangible proof you're feeling better more often and you have made massive steps towards acting on what you want. But the same feeling is there. You're still shit, you're still stupid, you're still resentful, insecure, angry, you act on these feelings and as a result you're a total asshole to people who actually love you, you can't appreciate others greatness because it's just a threat to you, you can't accept others' help because it means you are incompetent and lazy and you don't deserve it and you don't want to owe them, and you deny a bunch of emotions to survive, and you still can't move at dusk because you're missing out on everything because you've never done anything and nothing's that interesting and your attempts are few and pathetic and you still risk all the things you fear the most just by being alive and you're still alone. And your house is still infested, you still have no money and no ambitions or if you do they're buried deep so you don't risk failing further, you are a slack friend and family member, you need to be alone but it's sending you into a terrible space, people's presence is invasive, you don't want to leave the house but it's awful and depressing, nothing seems appealing and this day started out with a coffee, sun, listening to new music and eating well. And it still comes back to this.
Everything hurts today.
At some point over the last while I swapped thinking 'I am shit and everyone else is better than me' for 'I am experiencing self-loathing'. I may have stepped back and become the observer but that doesn't alter the fact that I'm still having the experience. Still fucked. Still can't find a way out.
Tiny minute unimportant details of people's doings or sayings stick with me and prove to me I'm not as good or smart or in the know or accomplished or driven or capable as the other person. Which these days tends to be my gf. Little things she does or says. Things she knows that I don't. Are insults to me.
Why does this happen to me in relationships? Why am I less bothered by other people being better than me but partners are just this huge head fuck to me?
The only thing that works is distraction and that only works for so long before I come back to this feeling. I feel cold, sad, empty, alone, and that I'm too fucked up. I'm sick of the endless cycle of shit.
I've made an appointment with a psych for next month. But that's so far away and of course I'll feel great on that day and not be able to convey the worst of anything.
I feel blocked. There is so much fear standing in my way. So so so much. I live my life in fear. I am constantly angered and insulted by other people's agreement on things that I disagree with, or their knowledge that I don't have, or their vast experience which is proof of how much smarter or how much more driven they are. I am an ignorant lump of nothing. I don't know how to do anything. But I'm not willing to admit that and allow myself to grow because that would be even more insulting and angering. And I can't find the line between the things I need to break down and get over because I'll never grow if I don't, and the things that are acceptable to hold onto because they're protecting me and why the fuck should I have to make life even harder for myself?
The things that fuck with me aren't going away. So I have had to learn to look away and deny them. Why are some things okay to look away and deny but other things aren't? Why can't I construct my own reality? If I lived what I believe I'd be a vegan anarchist in a squat. But I don't want that so I look away and deny certain realities for my own comfort's sake. But I try to do that with things that fuck with me but they just come up anyway. I have no coping mechanisms and I'm too angered by the fact that I even have to deal with this shit.
I'm bothered by the idea of her telling me it's okay to feel this way, because then that would render all my fear and pain useless and a waste of time and life. I'm bothered when other people admit their ignorance because I go to such lengths to deny my own.
Also work sucks and it's cold and sad.
I'm a brat who doesn't want to share because I'm scared everyone else is better than me and I need my own things away from others. Why the fuck can't I break that down?
I don't let myself see my gf properly because I am scared if I do I will know how truly pathetic I really am. I can't appreciate and love her because I'm so disgusted with myself and in order to get by I need to temporarily kid myself into thinking I'm not so bad. And seeing her reminds me I am shit. For a while being with her was part of the process of believing I'm not so bad. I can have a gf! I can be a normal person! I can be happy! But with time my ability to keep the pain of being me at bay has been whittled away. Maybe at the same time that I started to let myself open up more. Which I did because I was so closed I couldn't feel. Now I feel all the bad things and still can't be what she deserves because my stupid shit hangs in front of her and I can't get past it to see her and love her.
I can't believe my shit is still costing me things
I can't believe it's costing me her.
If someone was to tell me I'm not so bad I'd feel placated and pandered to
If someone was to demonstrate to me that everyone else is just as shit and no one is better than me, I'd be angry at them for knowing this before I did
I need to discover it for myself like everything
I don't feel empowered enough to change my situation
I don't feel smart enough to change my situation
I don't feel motivated or energetic enough to change it
I see people hitting me over the head, pushing me, punching me and i crave these things, wishing someone could do it for me
I'm shaking my head, grinding my teeth and swearing to try and block the thoughts, in public. at work.
everywhere I look there's a reminder I'm not good enough
not where I want to be
not where others are
others are a reminder that I'm shit.
especially my brilliant girlfriend.
I feel I'm doing her a disservice by being around her.
She's been very patient with me in the past 2 weeks.
In such a strange place! I've suddenly been thrown into emotional sensitivity, after like 6 months of relative stability.
I can feel songs, I get chills from them. Today I've felt intense anger followed by intense sadness again with no explanation. It's not that unpleasant, it's just really strange. I'm not sure what's going on. Being in love and involved was always bound to transform me and shake all my leaves violently off my tree - to very roughly and badly paraphrase Khalil Gibran.
Anyway all I know is I entered a different phase today, in some way, some thing shifted. Also yesterday I felt sick, angry, had acne and lower back pain. So reminiscent of menstrual maladies, but that was last week. So weird.
feeling the depressing pinch of wanting to do a bunch of stuff but not knowing what order to do them in and like I'll never do everything I'd like to
need to learn the art of decision making / need to have some sort of clear desire
don't care enough
everything's in my heart
so my heart's not in anything
When will I listen to my soul and just go away to be alone
When I get back I'm buying a goddamn food processor and doing the vegan thing.
Just. Want. Plants.